slow golf

when you are the first to tee it...no one is on the course...and the fella you play with is slowy mcslowerson....it gets to be a bad idea...

this am...woke up early...and golfed with "coach" ...coach gets comped so it was free....but how free is free? this fella is a nice guy but fuggen a....every single shot requires addressing the ball...backing off...addressing the ball....changing clubs...looking at his gps...10 practice swings....and fire! finally!..the results arent pretty either...not bad...but not as great as the "TALK" you get to hear...

im fuggen the fastest golfer in the history of the game....i get to my ball....shoot the stick with me laser gun...ZERO practice swings...practice swings are a waste....i have found that your first swing is always the best...kind of like guessing on your SAT's...fire! rinse and repeat...MOVE OUT and MOVE ON!

we shouldve finished in 245....ez..took us a little over 4 fuggen hours....we had a cart....no one was on the track! unreal....just so frustrating...

i dont know what to do as my golf sample has petered out...no one will play with me anymore...i dont thinks its me...perhaps it is...i do feel that im the only person alive while playing....i do practice proper etiquette while playin tho...im nice enough....i do talk to myself a bunch tho....tinker with my swing....BUT...i dont waste anyones time!!!!!

perhaps its my big ole wad of dip i have in between my cheek and gums... i dont spit on tee boxes and greens tho! ...perhaps its that i dont give 2 shits about helping anyone find their ball....i hate looking for my own.....why should i bother looking for someone elses?....unless of course there is money on the line and pardsies ball is in trouble....then ill sneak a peak...

these fuggers on tv have wrecked this game...line up their shit...walk around their putts..practice swing city!....its not supposed to be like this...just get out and get it over with fcs!!!

hey it monday and i got in an early 18....no complaints right? wrong! it sucked because i fuggen cant stand slow, shitty golf...

just saw a poor fella fall

im laughing my ass off...this bastid got up from his folding chair....at lax games all pm...and just busted his ass .. .as tho the fella was on a sheet of ice...we are in a flood plain and there are rows and rows of crops...this big ole piece of farm machiney caught this poor dbags interest...up from the chair...down the slight grade to get a better look....and bammo...im fuggen dying...this poor dbag looked around to make sure no one was watching...i was...and i fuggen let out a loud and proud laugh...think he heard me even tho im in my truck and about forty yards away....ha...fuggen dude bit it hard...he keeps getting up and stretchin his ass....ha...hes fat too which makes it funnier..

this lax thing sux... its mothers day and these little shits have three games...my sons are no great...that means i get three hours of this shit watching the other sons play lax...i dont give a shit about these other little bastards....its over...now home with memories of this fat bastard falling!!!

ball washer...a new fragrance by...

there are certain smells that are just awesome...

i love the smell of the golf course ball washer....its fuggen greatness....there is no smell like it....the ball washer from the muni courses smell way better than the country club variety tho...there is no comparison...the muni ball washer is old skewl...reminds me of the days when pops took me golfing at belk park...in wood river illinios...belk park is a classic muni course...and the smell of the ball washer hit your nostrils just as you got out of the old mans buick company car...i enjoyed washing me balls as a kid...and still enjoy washing me balls as an adult...

gals should wear this fragrance...instead of the floral shit..."ball washer"...gold! guys would flock...one whiff of " ball washer" and your mate will want to play 18...get out of your hair...an attractor/detractor...a fragrance for the woman who wants to get their man out of the house for 6 hours!

i love the smell of clubman...clubman deodorant spray...clubman hair spray....clubman powder...clubman everything smells kickass...wifey hates this smell and im not certain why...it baffles my mind...i dose meself with the man whenever possible...

col kilgore loved the smell of napalm in the morning...

seems like dogs and monkeys like the smell of ass...i find that disgusting...perhaps clubman can make ass spray..?

shes a big girl now...

parents are fuggen crazy about shit their kids do...brag about how great their "little shits" grades are....how many goals "little prick" scored....

dont get me wrong...i am proud of my little darlings....but i dont dote..dd..dont dote!

helicopter doting parents are the worst....

i tell my kids that they should be awesome at everything...because i was awesome at everything...case closed...beat it!

one thing i want my kids to grasp is a sense of independence....autonomy....get off the nipple you little bastards...

syd made great headway this am...and i gotta say, im proud as hell...dote dote dote...

her car ("cleveland"..named after the family guy character) , my old pos bmw, needed repair...the fan sounded like the airwolf helicopter...no doooot it was a loose belt...i have taken this car in for repair almost monthly for the last 6 months...and im fuggen tired of it...so i told her to take it in herself...

this bmw place is not your typical bmw place...its a used bmw repair shop located in a hoody area... not south bronx....but somewhat hoodrow wilsonesque...

she went in...talked to eddie...eddie fixed it...and she went home...took her 10 minutes...

hmmm..i got to wonderin...hmmm....why such a short turn over time...? i always have to drop the fugger off or sit and wait for a hell of a lot longer than 10 minutes...and it came to me...i bet that these guys have never had a 16 year old gal bring a car in for repair...ive been there countless times over the last 15 years and i bet this has never happened to them before...

im going to have syd do all my shit from no on...and why not..? i bet shed get instant service at lowes or home depot...where it takes me hours just to find someone in orange...

im never taking her car in ever again...im never taking my truck in...im using this little nugget for as long as she lives under me roof...

so out of shape....its stupid

i have my eating disorders kind of in check...im not eating like a fuggen pig ass any more...went to mac for a steam and shower and left exhausted....literally tired...winded ....from the activity i used to do after a hard hour of squash...this is so sad...

watching this self destruction from my own eyes has been tough on me...i can only imagine what my loved ones and friends think....i dont recognize my pathetic fatass much any more...guess that can be good...i can start up a whole new life now...my fatass life...lazy fat piece of shit life...

need to get back on the horse soon or i will never want to go back....so ill start, once again...probably saturday...or next thursday...see, next thursday is when i play my next known and scheduled squash game....playing an up and comer.. he saw me just 2 hours ago while i was laboring in the mens locker...he is a fuggen buzzard flying around the fat elephant carcass....he knows he can beat me now, thus the invitation....and thats how it works...the circle of fatlife..

its easy picking on the fat guy...

depo

ever been deposed? if so, you know how bad these fuggen things suck! this am is day 2 of my deposition prep...i feel like im back in college....not the fun college tho...ahhh the fun college....i think it was fun, i dont remember much...my friends from college are very cool peeps, so i guess i had fun...this is the BAD college...the cram and study college...i remember BAD college vividly...

depos are ridiculous....its basically the other lawyer trying their bestest to trip you up, while your attorney is kicking you in the shins under the table....or giving you the leg squeeze....i think the kick means you have said something that hurts your case...or you are rambling for way too long.....the leg squeezer has a "good job" feel to it...me likey the leg squeezers...

in 45, im in for my test...im wearing a pair of me kiddos old shin guards...

tomorrow is the real deal...

fuggen crap shit ass...!

always go back to ole reliable...

humans are creatures of habit...conforming to a schedule...same ole same ole...waiting in the longest line because you know its open and a safe bet....order the same thing at the same restaurant...order the same drink over and over and fuggen over and over and over again (i swear ill never drink again)...

very few dare to step out..into the liquid...and when we do, its fuggen fun ....for a wee bit of time....then you always go back to ole reliable...

over the last 24 months, i have purchased4 different putters...i was a decent putter when i was putting with me ole callaway tuttle....the tuttle...this putter was very popular when it came out....johnny fuggen dbag miller actually won his last pga tourney wielding the tuttle...that must have been about 16 years ago er so...

the tuttle is the ugliest putter in the history of ugly putters...it looks like a utility club...instead of putting with it, a golfer should be trying to hit it about 220...i loved my tuttle and well, i was pretty damn good with the bastard.. the tut is a heavy headed putter...i like heavy heads....better, more solid contact...and i was good with it...have i mentioned that yet?

evidently, i wasnt good enough with it....tuttle was in me sack for 16 years... i bought it after miller won with it...fish hook purchase...i chomped at that bait...im the reason why infomercials air...

i saw these fellas putting with a two ball putter and well...i kinda liked what i was seeing....so i got one...then i gave it to syd, so that gave me an excuse to buy another...better...two ball putter...this 2 baller was bigger and more cumbersome...but it was cool looking...it was silver and black so it hooked me...not too long after buying 2 ball putter numero 2, i saw all these pro fags putting with a white headed mallet putter....thing is called the GHOST putter...didnt take long for me golf mates to pounce on me for being gay and putting with a white putter... usually this wouldnt hurt me much...i did use the tuttle for 16 years and caught a bunch of shit for that...but this shit was relentless... guys i think are "kinda gay" were making fun of my gay putter..."ghost putters is kinda gay"..sergio dbag garcia uses the ghost...need i say more...

the ghost is in a resting place....got me tuttle re gripped with an army camo hero grip (for everygrip purchased..one dollar goes to the troops first foundation)...very cool grip...kinda makes it look mean and manly...too bad this wouldnt work for the ghost....i dont think anything can be added to the ghost that would make it look cooler...if steve macqueen used the ghost, then id go back to it...

seems like we always go back to where we were before....perhaps ill learn me lesson here and find a fuggen set of irons to stick with...still torn...and irons are fuggen expensive...mizuno 58s rule!...reckon ill go trade in me ole quip and have some serious store cred for future self punishment...

couldnt imagine being a Mormon.....or an A RAB sheik...with all of those wives...i cant make up my mind for shit...