ownin property sucks bag

im tellin ya...this am starts out with my insurance guy calling me to discuss the slip n fall that occurred last year at one of the strips....seems like they are trying to pin it down a little and subrogate (basically go after someone who they think might share the blame) wtf? the lady tripped and instead of getting up off her ass...as quick as possible....she files a claim against me..

what do you do when you trip? first thing i do is get the fugg up quick as possible..then...split second later..and i mean nanoseconds....you look around and see if someone else saw you slip...youre lucky if no one witnessed....if someone did see u....you fuggen high tail it out o there...and quick...

fugg that ..nowadays...everyone is looking for the bbd...bigger and better deal...you know...youre at a party and youre talking to some dude you know and the fugger keeps looking over your shoulder ...for???...you guessed it...the BBD ...made famous by scotty palmer of HARDBODIES movie fame (1984) ...funny flick...(she or he doesnt want to talk to you ...youre not going to fill her/his pocketbook up with cash) ...so we deal...i guess thats why you have insurance...

scotty palmer...teacher of the BBD

l

later today....after getting three receding gum areas filled ...(shit that hurt!!!...im just now starting to feel my lips and mouth again..6 hours later!....for my new dentist is very liberal with her injection doses....who enjoys being stuck with a needle and drilled? i guess a horny heroine addict would.. )...i had to check on a tenant...(chinese restaurant) ....see this tenant claims to be in the dumps bidness wise...always bitching about bidness...so i go in and investigate....this place is a dump...i hear that they are using one of the restrooms as a child care center for their kids...i see a sign on that restroom door..."out of order...use other room..." at least thats what i think it read...i didnt open that door...i was kinda scared..what if they were housing prostitutes...making drugs...running weapons...so i just let it be and assume they are using the room to raise the kids....

all day ive been dealing with attorneys...banks...tenants...nothing good goin on out there...no new business...no sales...just racking up fees for dentists, victims, lawyers, and insurance people...and hoping i didnt disrupt any gang activity...grandtheft auto chinatown er watever

steam room etiquette

is there a steam room etiquette....? a certain understanding as to how to act while in said steam room...? what is proper in the steam room...? and where to do certain things in the steamer as it pertains to ugly..and i mean ugly... nakedness?

theres a fellow...older fellow.... ok...hairy bastard ugly older fellow that i run into about 3 times a week in the steam room....this fellow must live there....he was there today...i grimace because i know whats about to take place...im all ready to go in...all wrapped up...covered...open the door hoping that hairy bastard ugly old fellow (HBUOF) isnt already inside... fugg! hes there! shit!!!!

picture star wars bar scene....freak show....

this guy is unreal....the reasons are as follows:

1. this guy is an ugly ass human....hairy...dont know if hes comin or goin hairy....cant tell..hes fuggen chewbacca

2. this guy doesnt cover up a thing...

3. this guy needs to cover up...i mean burqa like...because of reason #1

4. this guy does calisthenics in the steam room

5. this guy stretches every muscle in his body...

6. this guy stretches every muscle in his body while laying down facing you...

reason number 6 is so very damaging to my human spirit...i so want to enjoy life and be one with nature....but this fugger ruins it for me in every way shape and form...

HBUOF will literally...literally..be on his back...and do leg lifts..leg curls..sit ups...leg rotations....etc et al ...while everything is all being greatly affected by gravity and time...its so bad...

i just close my eyes and thats not enough....HBUOF will flap everything around....the steam room is a fuggen hummin with moisture....and well...this moisture just amplifies the flip flop flapping of HBUOF'es EVERYTHING!

i can hear people come in and i can hear people leaving....my eyes are shut....i can hear some people leaving muttering.."ive had enough of this shit!"

its HBUOFs steam room..he owns the fuggen place!

unreal..

Laptop...check

i touch...check

smart phone...check

ipad...check

the ipad was purchased using the bubbas own money....ok...but i told them they wouldnt be using it much...but nooo...they needed it...wanted it...

yesterday....one of the bubs asked wifey to buy back his ipad back...for full price....ha...the fuggen thing has a cracked corner that his $30 cover so conviently...well...covers...no deduct for that eh?......i guess he realized that his other apparatuses fill the bill....and they do...in spades...

their lappys do it all....so do their damn smart phones....their ipads...well all you have to do is put their itouches in a fuggen enlarging machine....and viola!

i take time out of my day to observe....rant about shit that drives me nuts...and my best material is right under my nose...

why do we feel compelled to buy this shit for 12 year olds? in our defense, their lappys are leased from their skewl...and a requirement...so pass....and their itouches...well everyone has a pod so watever....smart phone....why do they need a smart phone? thats on us...all they need is a simple phone that they can use for talking and texting....does a 12 year old need all of those apps? the ipad was a complete waste of THEIR money....wifey and i made them cough up for this pos...we knew it would get play for about 2 weeks and collect dust thereafter...

my house is basecamp for dbaggity...

fantasy in rm 24

i cant shake this reoccurring nightmare...im truly crazy...the fact that i sing to myself 24/7 should have been a dead give a way a long long long time ago....i dont hear voices..so im cool there...

i own the "biker foxes" in my fantasy football league...my fantasy league is the greatest of all fantasy leagues...RM 24...we are tight...we are famous...my "biker foxes" are in the PC division....and the "P" in "PC" rhymes with "jimmy crack corn"...ill give you "C"...."C" is Central.

Biker fox...how do i explain my affinity towards this complete and utter lunatic? this weirdcat is so fuggen bizzaro....its people like Frank (his actual first name) that make me feel sound...im not as nutty as this guy...good...check that box...move on..... check out his web site.... http://www.bikerfox.com/ ...all sorts of crazy shit on his site...he is some kind of bike trickster/philosopher loon...he lives in oklahoma and preaches the 4P's...Pills + Powders + potions = Placebo....what does that shit mean???? very double rainbowesque....this cat.....he is the only biker that can pull off the first ever front bike flip.....wtf...i think i pulled that trick back when i was 8 and was jumping the ring of fire my older brothers had set up for me....i have no idea why im still alive after the "initiations" i had to endure back in the day...."hey scotty...why dont you jump the creek...you can get in our club..all you gotta do is make it over" ... well the creek was about 15 ft wide and my jump was a 2x8 leaning up against a can of driveway tar...45 degree angle ez....i digress.....this dude is a trip....i get lost in his website....its a plethora of strangeness...weirdness....its as though you are watching a train full of rehtards crashing in front of you....gotta go thru his site...biker fox...love him!

so my nightmare....its draft night......and well...its my first pick...i dont pick a player even close to relavent.....no running back...no qb...no wr....the BIKER FOXES pick Albert Haynesworth...washington redskins....wft...alberts a great player and all but hes a fuggen defensive tackle...a 3 gapper....meanwhile my fellow competitors are picking up drew brees...peyton manning....etc etc... Oh...its my pick again...and i pick Bart Scott....NY Jets....doh! Bart is a badass Linebacker....great...but his position is totally irrelevant in fantasy football....i wake up in cold sweats as i pick Kurt Warner (retired) to be running back...dude was a great qb for fantasy....he is retired...and he aint no running back...

looking forward to a good night sleep ...finally....after draft night next monday night...

biker foxes will win the championship this year...im getting my momentum from biker foxes words of wisdom....the 4 p's is my guiding light....

go biker foxes!

wow...ima dbag...yesterday

my dogs are stinkin and needed some professional help...so i loaded up the dackels (dacshunds)...schnicklefritz and lily into big d and took them to petsmart...sasha cant go with the dackels...sasha has to go by herself....sasha wants to eat both schnick and lily...cant blame her...

why on earth do i have these dogs???....schnickelfritz is a mini wired haired sob...he fuggen hates human males....he bites them...he doesnt bite me tho...lucky for that bastard he doesnt...id ray guy punt his ass into the coffin corner...we paid 400 bucks for this catlike devildog...Lily is awesome...we just rescued her from a puppy mill...shes very friendly....she too is a mini....but she is of long haired variety...

its a rather embarrassing moment for saundoggy when he has to parade these two fuggers into petsmart....the grooming area is ...of course...at the very back of the store...schnicklefugg always yaps when you put him on a leash.....its not your ordinary yap though...unfortunately for me and everyone else within earshot....its a death scream! you cant explain it but ill give it a shot...its as if you are getting bull whipped while falling off a 100 story skyscraper...its so fuggen loud and obnoxious i feel like stomping him...stomp..over...youre dundy....lily is very cool...didnt make a sound...shes a keeper...

you would not believe the stir that this fugger caused there....one of the petsmart MALE employees came over and well...he uh...tried to help me with schnick....and well uhh....schnick went after the poor bastard....b lined right at the guys knees....thats as high as the shrimp can go...i yanked on the leash and poor schnick went air born... backwards into the martha stewart pet supply kiosk...guess martha stewart is into designing dog shit these days...

once i got the beast into the grooming area...things went ok

picking up this bastard...once again...the death scream...the attack of the male employEES, the sheer and utter chaos that took place was clearly a violation of others freedom..

great...so theres one checkout line open...and its packed...im panicking as things are bad...and getting worse...see...retailers know what they are doing...they make you go to the very back of the store to get to the the things that most everyone wants...milk...eggs...pet grooming...and i cant pay the damn bill at the grooming desk...customers have to go to the front checkout to pay...and see...they get to see the martha stewart shit...AGAIN..and that gets you thinking that you need to buy a snuggie for your weener...i digress...(i didnt buy shit for the undeserving bastard) the manager hears us coming and immediately opened up a checkout line for me...us...schnicklefritz just attacked another poor fella...this time a customer that had a huge boxer in tow...wtf???!!!

i plop down cash and i think i forgot to get my change...and high tale it out of there!

fuggen horrible embarrassing dbag debauchery...!

to make my day even worse...after dropping the weeners at home...i go get me a big ole panera bread ice tea....there is a space right up front....a george costanza kinda space....perfect...never happens at panera...i maneuver big d (tundra crew max...huge hoss of a truck...) into my slot...bingo...i get out...3 old ladies sitting out on the panera patio start snickerin at me...ok..wtf..

"nice parking job there!" uhhh....so i look and well....i failed..miserably...i dont know if i even reached a 45 degree angle into my slot...i took the walk of shame back to big d and re parked..old lady tells me..."thats much better young man."

dbag out!

aarp card? wtf?

i turn 45 this december...i received my aarp card(s) and activation form today....id already received one about 2 months ago...so thats 2 times now someone is telling me im getting old...why am i getting one of these anyway...arent they 5 years early?

age is a funny thing....some focus on just the number itself...some dont give a shit about the number and just live life....at 16 you get to drive.....18 you get to vote and get shot at by taliban....21 you get to drink makers mark...used to be many retire at 65...now many retire at 70...huge parties for 13 year old jewish kids...sweet 16 for some...wifey threw me a surprise bday bash at 30....wifey sent me on a golf trip with friends for my 40...my dad was so excited to reach 70 because he could ski for free...that didnt last long tho...poor guy couldnt breathe in the high altitudes..so much for achieving that goal in life....ski hill ownin bastards all know it too...they know exactly when people wont be able to ski for free....i can hear em now...behind the ticket counter..."look at that old bastard....wonder how long hell last ?" dangle and pull....

for me...i look like im 45 (ok watever)...feel like im 85....act like im 15... some say 13...some say 18...so we compromise)...i refuse to grow up and that refusal causes tension..and plenty of it....its difficult for me to be a "good example" for my kid folk....its very hard....when dad wins every fart competition (not even close) it gets even more difficult... my refusal to grow up is single handily the most difficult challenge that wifey has ever attempted to overcome...she will get there briefly...then...dangle and pull...there i go off to teenage waste land...fart contest time...dad wins again!!

evidently i suck at just about everything...ceptin throwin a mean spiral

work sucks...the economy blows...people are chippy...cant do anything much right anymore...but i can sure zip in a mean spiral...i mean MEAN! the finger torcher!

always could throw the football....started when i was very young....everywhere ...all day long...zip..throw...and i didnt throw the KRB either....im talking NFL size pigskin.....see thats how you do it....jump right in...none of this toe in the water shit....just grab the big ole "DUKE" NFL'er and heave your little arm off....

my sons began football yesterday...they have been beggin me for years to play jr ball....no fuggen way...!! what a complete waste of time for them and me....and wifey...we have wasted plenty of our lives shuttling our beasties to and from club (wait til i slam into that club sports shit) lacrosse/basketball...et al...ive seen plenty of jr football to know that i didnt want my kids to be part of the gazoo bunch...they wont learn crap in pee wee footy.....hell they wont learn crap in middle school football....but its time my friends...unleash the bubbi !

so what position will they be playing....? if i was their coach....and im not...im far from it....actually ill be so far from the coaches and other parents (i just dont like other parents too much..some are way cool, but the dbags ruin it for me...and dbags are in the majority ) at their games, ill barely be able to make out which one of my boys screwed up the fuggen play! ...i digress....bubs cant throw...and they make up for that by not being able to catch....i have challenged them ....since they were able to walk...to throw the ball to each other without it touching the ground...when they were little...it was 5 bucks for 4 catches....DONG!...as they got older....we moved it up to 10 and now 20...and the stakes went up accordingly...currently its 20 bucks for 20 catches...and Price is Right failure horns are a blowing once again! every fuggen time....like clockwork....they will never...ever..be able to complete this task...they are 12... and that is sad.

to their defense, they are twins and they spend 90% of their combined energy working against each other....throwing the anvil to the drowning brother..."here catch this..it will save you!" glubglub glub...these boys dont throw each under the bus...they throw the bus on top of the other....splat! wifey and i always hear from other parents of twins....it goes something like this..."Arent twins just so great to have? mine always play together and help each other out. they are best friends forever!" i swear next time i hear this shit, im going straight home and drinking an entire big ole bot o makers mark...i will then die laughing....a great way to go!

so back to positions.....tackles...on both sides of the ball....the bubbas are huge...size 13 feet....they are 12...they will be all pro NFL'ers if they would treat the opponent that lines up across from them as if they were their twin....there will be blood! it will be nasty...IF!