ownin property sucks bag

im tellin ya...this am starts out with my insurance guy calling me to discuss the slip n fall that occurred last year at one of the strips....seems like they are trying to pin it down a little and subrogate (basically go after someone who they think might share the blame) wtf? the lady tripped and instead of getting up off her ass...as quick as possible....she files a claim against me..

what do you do when you trip? first thing i do is get the fugg up quick as possible..then...split second later..and i mean nanoseconds....you look around and see if someone else saw you slip...youre lucky if no one witnessed....if someone did see u....you fuggen high tail it out o there...and quick...

fugg that ..nowadays...everyone is looking for the bbd...bigger and better deal...you know...youre at a party and youre talking to some dude you know and the fugger keeps looking over your shoulder ...for???...you guessed it...the BBD ...made famous by scotty palmer of HARDBODIES movie fame (1984) ...funny flick...(she or he doesnt want to talk to you ...youre not going to fill her/his pocketbook up with cash) ...so we deal...i guess thats why you have insurance...

scotty palmer...teacher of the BBD

l

later today....after getting three receding gum areas filled ...(shit that hurt!!!...im just now starting to feel my lips and mouth again..6 hours later!....for my new dentist is very liberal with her injection doses....who enjoys being stuck with a needle and drilled? i guess a horny heroine addict would.. )...i had to check on a tenant...(chinese restaurant) ....see this tenant claims to be in the dumps bidness wise...always bitching about bidness...so i go in and investigate....this place is a dump...i hear that they are using one of the restrooms as a child care center for their kids...i see a sign on that restroom door..."out of order...use other room..." at least thats what i think it read...i didnt open that door...i was kinda scared..what if they were housing prostitutes...making drugs...running weapons...so i just let it be and assume they are using the room to raise the kids....

all day ive been dealing with attorneys...banks...tenants...nothing good goin on out there...no new business...no sales...just racking up fees for dentists, victims, lawyers, and insurance people...and hoping i didnt disrupt any gang activity...grandtheft auto chinatown er watever

steam room etiquette

is there a steam room etiquette....? a certain understanding as to how to act while in said steam room...? what is proper in the steam room...? and where to do certain things in the steamer as it pertains to ugly..and i mean ugly... nakedness?

theres a fellow...older fellow.... ok...hairy bastard ugly older fellow that i run into about 3 times a week in the steam room....this fellow must live there....he was there today...i grimace because i know whats about to take place...im all ready to go in...all wrapped up...covered...open the door hoping that hairy bastard ugly old fellow (HBUOF) isnt already inside... fugg! hes there! shit!!!!

picture star wars bar scene....freak show....

this guy is unreal....the reasons are as follows:

1. this guy is an ugly ass human....hairy...dont know if hes comin or goin hairy....cant tell..hes fuggen chewbacca

2. this guy doesnt cover up a thing...

3. this guy needs to cover up...i mean burqa like...because of reason #1

4. this guy does calisthenics in the steam room

5. this guy stretches every muscle in his body...

6. this guy stretches every muscle in his body while laying down facing you...

reason number 6 is so very damaging to my human spirit...i so want to enjoy life and be one with nature....but this fugger ruins it for me in every way shape and form...

HBUOF will literally...literally..be on his back...and do leg lifts..leg curls..sit ups...leg rotations....etc et al ...while everything is all being greatly affected by gravity and time...its so bad...

i just close my eyes and thats not enough....HBUOF will flap everything around....the steam room is a fuggen hummin with moisture....and well...this moisture just amplifies the flip flop flapping of HBUOF'es EVERYTHING!

i can hear people come in and i can hear people leaving....my eyes are shut....i can hear some people leaving muttering.."ive had enough of this shit!"

its HBUOFs steam room..he owns the fuggen place!

unreal..

Laptop...check

i touch...check

smart phone...check

ipad...check

the ipad was purchased using the bubbas own money....ok...but i told them they wouldnt be using it much...but nooo...they needed it...wanted it...

yesterday....one of the bubs asked wifey to buy back his ipad back...for full price....ha...the fuggen thing has a cracked corner that his $30 cover so conviently...well...covers...no deduct for that eh?......i guess he realized that his other apparatuses fill the bill....and they do...in spades...

their lappys do it all....so do their damn smart phones....their ipads...well all you have to do is put their itouches in a fuggen enlarging machine....and viola!

i take time out of my day to observe....rant about shit that drives me nuts...and my best material is right under my nose...

why do we feel compelled to buy this shit for 12 year olds? in our defense, their lappys are leased from their skewl...and a requirement...so pass....and their itouches...well everyone has a pod so watever....smart phone....why do they need a smart phone? thats on us...all they need is a simple phone that they can use for talking and texting....does a 12 year old need all of those apps? the ipad was a complete waste of THEIR money....wifey and i made them cough up for this pos...we knew it would get play for about 2 weeks and collect dust thereafter...

my house is basecamp for dbaggity...

fantasy in rm 24

i cant shake this reoccurring nightmare...im truly crazy...the fact that i sing to myself 24/7 should have been a dead give a way a long long long time ago....i dont hear voices..so im cool there...

i own the "biker foxes" in my fantasy football league...my fantasy league is the greatest of all fantasy leagues...RM 24...we are tight...we are famous...my "biker foxes" are in the PC division....and the "P" in "PC" rhymes with "jimmy crack corn"...ill give you "C"...."C" is Central.

Biker fox...how do i explain my affinity towards this complete and utter lunatic? this weirdcat is so fuggen bizzaro....its people like Frank (his actual first name) that make me feel sound...im not as nutty as this guy...good...check that box...move on..... check out his web site.... http://www.bikerfox.com/ ...all sorts of crazy shit on his site...he is some kind of bike trickster/philosopher loon...he lives in oklahoma and preaches the 4P's...Pills + Powders + potions = Placebo....what does that shit mean???? very double rainbowesque....this cat.....he is the only biker that can pull off the first ever front bike flip.....wtf...i think i pulled that trick back when i was 8 and was jumping the ring of fire my older brothers had set up for me....i have no idea why im still alive after the "initiations" i had to endure back in the day...."hey scotty...why dont you jump the creek...you can get in our club..all you gotta do is make it over" ... well the creek was about 15 ft wide and my jump was a 2x8 leaning up against a can of driveway tar...45 degree angle ez....i digress.....this dude is a trip....i get lost in his website....its a plethora of strangeness...weirdness....its as though you are watching a train full of rehtards crashing in front of you....gotta go thru his site...biker fox...love him!

so my nightmare....its draft night......and well...its my first pick...i dont pick a player even close to relavent.....no running back...no qb...no wr....the BIKER FOXES pick Albert Haynesworth...washington redskins....wft...alberts a great player and all but hes a fuggen defensive tackle...a 3 gapper....meanwhile my fellow competitors are picking up drew brees...peyton manning....etc etc... Oh...its my pick again...and i pick Bart Scott....NY Jets....doh! Bart is a badass Linebacker....great...but his position is totally irrelevant in fantasy football....i wake up in cold sweats as i pick Kurt Warner (retired) to be running back...dude was a great qb for fantasy....he is retired...and he aint no running back...

looking forward to a good night sleep ...finally....after draft night next monday night...

biker foxes will win the championship this year...im getting my momentum from biker foxes words of wisdom....the 4 p's is my guiding light....

go biker foxes!

wow...ima dbag...yesterday

my dogs are stinkin and needed some professional help...so i loaded up the dackels (dacshunds)...schnicklefritz and lily into big d and took them to petsmart...sasha cant go with the dackels...sasha has to go by herself....sasha wants to eat both schnick and lily...cant blame her...

why on earth do i have these dogs???....schnickelfritz is a mini wired haired sob...he fuggen hates human males....he bites them...he doesnt bite me tho...lucky for that bastard he doesnt...id ray guy punt his ass into the coffin corner...we paid 400 bucks for this catlike devildog...Lily is awesome...we just rescued her from a puppy mill...shes very friendly....she too is a mini....but she is of long haired variety...

its a rather embarrassing moment for saundoggy when he has to parade these two fuggers into petsmart....the grooming area is ...of course...at the very back of the store...schnicklefugg always yaps when you put him on a leash.....its not your ordinary yap though...unfortunately for me and everyone else within earshot....its a death scream! you cant explain it but ill give it a shot...its as if you are getting bull whipped while falling off a 100 story skyscraper...its so fuggen loud and obnoxious i feel like stomping him...stomp..over...youre dundy....lily is very cool...didnt make a sound...shes a keeper...

you would not believe the stir that this fugger caused there....one of the petsmart MALE employees came over and well...he uh...tried to help me with schnick....and well uhh....schnick went after the poor bastard....b lined right at the guys knees....thats as high as the shrimp can go...i yanked on the leash and poor schnick went air born... backwards into the martha stewart pet supply kiosk...guess martha stewart is into designing dog shit these days...

once i got the beast into the grooming area...things went ok

picking up this bastard...once again...the death scream...the attack of the male employEES, the sheer and utter chaos that took place was clearly a violation of others freedom..

great...so theres one checkout line open...and its packed...im panicking as things are bad...and getting worse...see...retailers know what they are doing...they make you go to the very back of the store to get to the the things that most everyone wants...milk...eggs...pet grooming...and i cant pay the damn bill at the grooming desk...customers have to go to the front checkout to pay...and see...they get to see the martha stewart shit...AGAIN..and that gets you thinking that you need to buy a snuggie for your weener...i digress...(i didnt buy shit for the undeserving bastard) the manager hears us coming and immediately opened up a checkout line for me...us...schnicklefritz just attacked another poor fella...this time a customer that had a huge boxer in tow...wtf???!!!

i plop down cash and i think i forgot to get my change...and high tale it out of there!

fuggen horrible embarrassing dbag debauchery...!

to make my day even worse...after dropping the weeners at home...i go get me a big ole panera bread ice tea....there is a space right up front....a george costanza kinda space....perfect...never happens at panera...i maneuver big d (tundra crew max...huge hoss of a truck...) into my slot...bingo...i get out...3 old ladies sitting out on the panera patio start snickerin at me...ok..wtf..

"nice parking job there!" uhhh....so i look and well....i failed..miserably...i dont know if i even reached a 45 degree angle into my slot...i took the walk of shame back to big d and re parked..old lady tells me..."thats much better young man."

dbag out!

aarp card? wtf?

i turn 45 this december...i received my aarp card(s) and activation form today....id already received one about 2 months ago...so thats 2 times now someone is telling me im getting old...why am i getting one of these anyway...arent they 5 years early?

age is a funny thing....some focus on just the number itself...some dont give a shit about the number and just live life....at 16 you get to drive.....18 you get to vote and get shot at by taliban....21 you get to drink makers mark...used to be many retire at 65...now many retire at 70...huge parties for 13 year old jewish kids...sweet 16 for some...wifey threw me a surprise bday bash at 30....wifey sent me on a golf trip with friends for my 40...my dad was so excited to reach 70 because he could ski for free...that didnt last long tho...poor guy couldnt breathe in the high altitudes..so much for achieving that goal in life....ski hill ownin bastards all know it too...they know exactly when people wont be able to ski for free....i can hear em now...behind the ticket counter..."look at that old bastard....wonder how long hell last ?" dangle and pull....

for me...i look like im 45 (ok watever)...feel like im 85....act like im 15... some say 13...some say 18...so we compromise)...i refuse to grow up and that refusal causes tension..and plenty of it....its difficult for me to be a "good example" for my kid folk....its very hard....when dad wins every fart competition (not even close) it gets even more difficult... my refusal to grow up is single handily the most difficult challenge that wifey has ever attempted to overcome...she will get there briefly...then...dangle and pull...there i go off to teenage waste land...fart contest time...dad wins again!!

evidently i suck at just about everything...ceptin throwin a mean spiral

work sucks...the economy blows...people are chippy...cant do anything much right anymore...but i can sure zip in a mean spiral...i mean MEAN! the finger torcher!

always could throw the football....started when i was very young....everywhere ...all day long...zip..throw...and i didnt throw the KRB either....im talking NFL size pigskin.....see thats how you do it....jump right in...none of this toe in the water shit....just grab the big ole "DUKE" NFL'er and heave your little arm off....

my sons began football yesterday...they have been beggin me for years to play jr ball....no fuggen way...!! what a complete waste of time for them and me....and wifey...we have wasted plenty of our lives shuttling our beasties to and from club (wait til i slam into that club sports shit) lacrosse/basketball...et al...ive seen plenty of jr football to know that i didnt want my kids to be part of the gazoo bunch...they wont learn crap in pee wee footy.....hell they wont learn crap in middle school football....but its time my friends...unleash the bubbi !

so what position will they be playing....? if i was their coach....and im not...im far from it....actually ill be so far from the coaches and other parents (i just dont like other parents too much..some are way cool, but the dbags ruin it for me...and dbags are in the majority ) at their games, ill barely be able to make out which one of my boys screwed up the fuggen play! ...i digress....bubs cant throw...and they make up for that by not being able to catch....i have challenged them ....since they were able to walk...to throw the ball to each other without it touching the ground...when they were little...it was 5 bucks for 4 catches....DONG!...as they got older....we moved it up to 10 and now 20...and the stakes went up accordingly...currently its 20 bucks for 20 catches...and Price is Right failure horns are a blowing once again! every fuggen time....like clockwork....they will never...ever..be able to complete this task...they are 12... and that is sad.

to their defense, they are twins and they spend 90% of their combined energy working against each other....throwing the anvil to the drowning brother..."here catch this..it will save you!" glubglub glub...these boys dont throw each under the bus...they throw the bus on top of the other....splat! wifey and i always hear from other parents of twins....it goes something like this..."Arent twins just so great to have? mine always play together and help each other out. they are best friends forever!" i swear next time i hear this shit, im going straight home and drinking an entire big ole bot o makers mark...i will then die laughing....a great way to go!

so back to positions.....tackles...on both sides of the ball....the bubbas are huge...size 13 feet....they are 12...they will be all pro NFL'ers if they would treat the opponent that lines up across from them as if they were their twin....there will be blood! it will be nasty...IF!

Bars and Bats

my boys are 12...they are in 7th grade...i remember 7th grade vividly because thats when many...and i mean many...of my friends had bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs...simply put...its now PARTY time for the bubbas!

i remember three distinctive events during my childhood...when i was in kindergarten...or maybe first grade....i asked my mom...."mom, why arent i black?" i explained to her that i wanted to be the best football player/athlete in the world and i just wanted to be black...period...oj simpson, gayle sayers... who didnt ant to be gayle sayers after seeing brian song....? i most definitely didnt want to be brian piccolo. he was not near the stud that gayle sayers was! ...he was slow...white and not gayle sayers!...and OJ...the juice...he was awesome! ..i wanted to be black and was quite mad about not being so...damn it!

the second distinctive event.... or perhaps better put...feeling i had back in the day was the sheer desire of becoming a playboy photographer....and why not!? i was probably around 10 to 13 about that time in my career planning....my grandpa was a Playboy club member ...Oh the stories about him are greatness...soon i will elaborate...and i was privy to a plethora of "reading" material back in those days....i enjoyed the pictures...so why not be on the set of a shoot? ...daily...hours and hours a day...all the time! I didnt get my first wish (above) so #2 seemed obtainable....

the third was definitely when i was in 7th grade. i went to a junior high that had close to a 50% Jewish student body.... ill never forget my first bar mitzvah party i attended....fuggen a...it was awesome...the gifts! the money my friend received was gordon gecko esque..my mom picked me up and i told her i wanted to be Jewish!. Period! forget being black...forget playboy photographer...ill take Jewish!....this went on for the entire school year...bar mitzvahs....bat mitzvahs for the gals....the loot..the presents....my mom took my to casa gallardo for my 13th birthday...just her and i...dad was out of town...i got sick that night...blew chow for what seemed like days...gave up on Mexican food from that night until i discovered Tex Mex in Dallas...7 years later.....no huge party for the saundog....no cash..no loot....bud fox i was...a wannabe....sad...

so now my twins (the "bubbas" ...we combine them with that name...it completes them...it flows...and thats a pretty descriptive, flowing nickname for them) are in "bar" and "bat" heaven...season just kicked off...and this will be a tough ride for them...wifey and i are already hearing it...."we want that...we want this!"....the parties nowadays are way more extravagant than the "bars" and "bats" i attended...these things are like fuggen weddings on hgh..all roided up fun for 12 year olds....food stations...inflatables..renting out entire entertainment complexes...desert stations...kareoke...bands....its sick!...but fun for them....oy vey! no keeping up here...im outa me league....the bubbas 13 th bday bash will have a band playing the Price is Right failure horns...

thug alert...

every sunday am...usually early (need to finish before the crackheads wake)...i go clean our wash on west florissant....the sunday am crowd is usually made up of church going citizens...they love to blast their gospel music louder than a WHO concert..."LORDY LORDY MERCY..OH YEAH! my customers will shout out while they vaccum last nights mess.....its fuggen hillarious..

..i can understand the gangsta rap music pumped out loudly...wow...im a cusser fosho...but these dirty bastards have zero manners...i laugh at the lyrics...youve heard em..."mudda effen hos on da loose..heading for her caboose..get your eagle on giiiiirrrrrl..." wtf does that mean....? "drop it low ho!.." i digress...

this sunday am was different tho....a car of thugs pulled up..wreaked of "gangsta red."... this was around 830 this am...hmmm...caution in the wind...no doubt these fellows were up to no good..."pants on the ground!"... thats my code to wifey that there might be trubs....i called her and gave the signal...wow they look stupid with their fuggen underoos showing...i overheard them talking about "knocking out" someone...i thought that someone was me....so i got in my car and left...i drove to some other properties that me and wifey own knowing that ...in time...the punk asses would leave....

i came back and theyd left....whew...this happens from time to time....but never this early...and never on sunday....

id already cleaned the lot and where there punk car had been, there was some trash laying around...SHOCKER!!!...i laughed when i saw what was left behind...

i find these promotion cards from time to time....this one definitely belonged to these dudes...just throw it out of their car...no worries mate...ill pick it up fer ya...i gawwwt it..

and now my search for syds sweet 16 party dj has ended...gotta go with ERR TYME MUSIC's General Rick Juice 3.6! HOLLA! no sorry...HOLLA AT YA BOI! i think this card states that the General Rick might get help from no other than J POS....unheard of..i reckon thats large!....huge...wowsers!

if "juice" spins Ugly's hit Thuggen 2 Feat...Corletta...and Off the Heezy...syds party will be off da hooky...

frankly, honestly youre a liar...and

a cheat...so stay away from me... i dont buy it bro

i heard this fellow say "honestly" to me ...oh...about 20 times in 5 minutes....see this fellow owes wifey and me a decent chunk of rent money....

"honestly, our business is down!" (while many of his nail technicians are werkin on customers) honestly, the locations no good...honestly....too much competition!"

alrite...times are tough no doubt....but i already cut rent down to a slow death trickle...and your chairs are full...most ..if all...your peeps pay in cash....so...HONESTLY...whats up there charlie?

ok..leave the center...ill take your keys..."ohhhhh noooooo...not that...we talk."


"i come pay monday...honestly!" i wanted to throw this guy around...i need a heavy...thats what i need...honestly!

this honestly shit has to stop...!

one is never honest with you if he says hes honest...honesty is something few...unfortunately.. are able to achieve...and one certainly doesnt achieve honesty by telling someone 20 fuggen times in 5 minutes...one has to work at achieving an honest reputation....period! you achieve this by not fuggen people outa money...like this joker!

Saundoggy avoids anyone and everyone that says:

"to be honest" (youre not honest..ur a punk liar and cheat)

"honestly " (you are a liar and youre hiding many things)

"to be PERFECTLY honest" ( you are the perfect liar..congrats!)

"let me be clear" (what you will say will be so unclear i wont even be able to comprehend..hey our potus says this)

"frankly" (the ole phonic exclamation point of a liar and a cheat)

"allow me to be frank" (any d bag says this to you, you have the right to take physical action)

"im being honest when i tell you"....(this is the death blow phrase...run run run away...dont even consider this to be someone that will ever be truthful...ever...

and..

"im being TOTALLY honest when i tell you..." (this statement has a prison sentence attached to it)

Im chuck and i have no ass!

ive decided today is wtf THURSDAY!

DONATE TO CHUCK...DONATE TO CHUCK...!

MULLETS...BIDNESS UP FRONT....SOME MEAN LOOKING SOB HOOSIER AT YOUR REAR...

20 BUCKS SAYS I CAN GUESS WHY YOURE HAWT?

LETS DISCUSS! LETS NOT!

DUDE UR BEYOND THE BEYOND AND BED BATH AND WHATEVER BRO...

ON OUR WAY TO SEE THE LION KING/CRAZY BLOND BITCH WITH LIGHTNING AND SHIT COMING OUT OF HER...DOUBLE FEATURE...

calling all copter parents...STOP!

I GO TO SBUX every am...get meself a red eye...thats what these coffee geeks call a coffee with a shot o expresso... i think the brown eye is two shots o expresso cuz you spend the next hour poopin the tole..i digress

on my way to bux, i see...at every subdivision entry way...the am stacking of suv's....i know what this is because i see this 9 months out of the year...

betcha you know what this is too...

why on earth do parents drive their kids to the bus stop and wait for them to get on the bus??? its fuggen maddening and stupid...heres why..

Maddening: the bus stops...junior or missy have to disembark from their families bus (suv always....or minivan)..this takes awhile..actually forever... because it just does....and walk..no running...to the bus door...where it takes another minute for them to find a seat and sit the fugg down! its not so bad for the suv thats first in line...but the one 5 suvs down the way...double the time!..then..

these parents... cant wait fast enough to u turn right at their subdivision entrance...3 point turning...cutting the other parents(neighbors) off...and or driving thru their neighbors lawn....gotta get home so you can start planning your passive aggressive day ahead of you...here you go YOUNG EEEE(saundoggy follower..i think) ....bus stops are BASE CAMP for passive aggressiveness...thats where it all starts mate...

AND for us drivers...we have to wait way too long for the bus to stop and pick up these brinks protected humans...stop after stop...if youre behind a big yellow, youre screwed....just a man trying to get his am coffee...er red eye..

Stupid: "basics" here...basics indeed....kids need to walk to their bus stop and fend for themselves period! i can see some parents problem with this if junior or missy are there by themselves..saundoggy gives you a pass there... but many of these stops have enough kids to field a great game of football...or tag...or something....this pisses me off more than anything...we are raising the "pussy" generation....cant you see this!!!?? ive watched some of these kids grow up and well...good luck getting junior out of your house before he turns 40!

ok...there are pervs out there that snag our kids....thanks to the www and 24 hour news...this seems to be the norm out there in the ugly world we live in...look it up..most abductions occur from within the family...and if a perv wants to take your kid at the bus stop...he certainly wont take a kid thats at a stop with 8 (or 7 or 6 or 5..4 ..3..2 ) other space invaders....especially if they are playing football...

back in the day...i was excited about walking way up the street and hangin with my friends from our neighborhood....we used this freedom to our advantage....wed talk about things...wed throw the ball around...if there was snow on the ground...BONUS! ...wed cuss... spit...cant do any of that in mommys or daddys escalade....its a fuggen damn shame too...what is everyone afraid of????

oh...the stacking occurs in the pm too...thats when the little crumb crunchers get out of skewl...its just as bad...maybe worse...cuz now these kids dont have the chance to wind down ..decompress...take in the day... by WALKING to their house! last thing id ever want to do is crawl into another bus (suv) after being dropped off from a big yeller...this is maddening...sick ..stupid...a waste of gas ...a waste of your time... municipalities should ban this..its dangerous and stupid!

cant wait to get into the "ride your bike!!! or walk!!!! posts!

Skeeeeeeeeeeewl!!! Starts!! Toooomorrow!

yes! for the dudes that werk at home, this fuggen day is a blessed day...wtf is a blessed day anyway? i hear this all the time from my car wash customers..."oh its a blessed day!" or "have a blessed day!" im not that religious...but if the good lord wants Saundoggy to ride shotgun...then im there...thanks bro for givin me a ride....where we off to...Branson!

back to the kids...no more..."im bored" "nothing to do" i look around and i see all their shit and i want to explode...parents fault really...but these little treasury robbers should be thrown into the blame game too...

name it..my little spoiled bastards have it:

wii and every wii periphery...xbox 360 and all periphery....playstation 2...only for guitar hero...wifey plays..shes quite good...kids dont touch it..

gotta say though that bubbas play modern warfare and both are awesome shots..

the bubbas could be music geniuses....never touch em tho..unless im on a conference call..thats when they decide to play..and that only lasts about 5 minutes per month..and i shut em down...wtf...nice timing! you know the songs...smoke over water...iron man...over and over again....id like to fuggen pete townsend this shit into oblivion..

we can fit up the entire vontrap family with bikes and riding gear

we have 2 scooters left..i just donated 3 of these bad boys to the goodwill last month...

kids have full sets of golf clubs, lacrosse shit ..the best shit and theyve only played one year..., soccer crap, hell my garage is a satellite of dicks sporting goods...and these fuggers are bored...all summer long..

well buck up campers, cuz skewls back in session....and you wont have time to be bored with all the homework you will have (ill rant about that later..kids have way too much homework)...

have i had an epiphany? probably close...

big d will come in handy as i dump this crap off at goodwill!

the saundoggy days of summer..end already!

last day of big mikeys vacation....cleaned all 3 washes this am...bubbas went with me...once again..fights...tennis match of anvil toss...rework...fugg!

before work, dropped daughter off for a hs golf practice round...this am, she asked me about golf irons.."as the number goes up, does the ball go further?" no just the opposite...she took notes on a yellow sticky sheet...put in her pocket as a quick reference for her round...i shook my head , left the room, and chuckled....syd is legally blond golfer...she has mad skills tee to green...but projectile barfs on herself and everyone with her short game...practice wouldve helped...but that would be way too much to ask for...

while daughter golfed, bubs and i went in the crewmax....see v....i needed a crewmax to haul me crew around! big d...love big d!

apparently, Team Member Darrell lost his badge...tough times ahead for darrell..bosses look for the tag first...feel badly for him....guess i shouldnt have thrown it away..yikes!...no syringes or blades today...i guess sundays waste is more wholesome than fri or sat nights...ill shoot some photos of whats left behind next weekend...its a regular party at the carwashes!

picked up daughter from golf, dropped kids off at home...went to bank to make deposit..(missed my personal deposit (opporpoopity..or poopertunity) this am...shit!..errr no shit!)...dropped boys off at skewl for orientation....made another deposit at another bank..(no personal deposit yet still...once i miss..its over...always take advan when opporpoopity knocks!...fugg!)...came home only to find that sasha got into trash can and lily pooped her cage...she didnt miss her opporpoopity today! lucky girl!

all of this before 1pm...

now i have to "work"...battling banks and lawyers....oh what fun...Ima mess....

kinda feel bad about poor Darrell tho...badgeless bastard

nobody does it like allen

allen is my junk man...he cleans out our vacs and shampoo machines at our car washes.... he also goes thru the trash for cans..he collects shit too...others waste is allens treasure...
















the shit he cleans is unbearable....it stinks like nothing youve ever smelled before...allen works for free....he claims that our 3 washes are a treasure chest for him...he is able to keep all of the loose change...the cans...the umbrellas that are left...yes...umbrellas..





















this waste from the shampoo vac is disgusting....allen bags it and goes through it at home...its ok though..his "nose dont work too good, so i cant smell much" there is probably $1 worth of change in that slop...max!







i run into allen from time to time and when i do, i give him all the attention i can....hes a talker...i respect the hell out of him cuz the shit he does is "dirty jobs" worthy...basically kiss his ass because i know finding someone else to do this task is impossible...every time i see him, i give him a 10 spot....he looks at that 10 spot like its a thousand dollar bill...








Allens car is a trip...its the "hoarder on wheels" mobile...he loves umbrellas...he loves shit no one else wants too.. i see a new show ..."hoard my ride!" ...squashmaster will have to shelved for now...sorry mates....

dashboard..thatd drive me nuts!

allens passenger...crap in a box(es)

















umbrellas...and shit ..rear car window...

allen always smiles...he is the happiest sob...its fuggen amazing to me how this guy just goes on about how good things are for him... holy shit he gets his hands dirty....the shit people throw away from their cars...people are fuggen gross...but most of this shit is curtain #3 or the price is right showcase for allen...

btw...saw the "motley crew" tour buses at our airport wash this am...the drivers pulled over to wash the floor mats...they were picking up the Crew at the airport and i guess the floor mats werent up to snuff...todays brush with fame..ha...home sweeeeet hoooome...tonite tonite...im on my way.....the crew will travel a little nicer than allen...

saundoggy.....owt! TM

thanks for the help!

i just spent 4 hours ...in the hoody parts of the lou...with my the bubbas (twins).... my car wash employee is out of town..hes pretty worthless anyway (big mikey...ill dig into him later..fosho...rehtard!..)...so packed up me sons in "big d" (my new toyota tundra crew max...so titty(wifey gunna slap me for using "titty" too...wifey hates "big d"...she named it "big d" for big dick....she feels i got it to make up for my short comings...like the squid at the lake with the huge boat...ha..ill dig into that later too) and headed to clean up our 3 washes...

i know you parents out there can relate to this well....and even if you do not have kids...you can relate to this from your dads perspective....always wondered why my old man got kinda short with me when i helped him do shit...my dad wasnt a cusser...he only cussed when he missed a short put and when i helped him do shit....like fix the tractor...he morphed into an asshole...yelling at me...yellin at me to bring him tools...id bring him the wrong tool ...and hed tell me to just leave .....it was a nightmare..like the dad in the Christmas Story fixing the boiler..i hated our tractor! fuggen thing always broke...

the bubbas try very hard...kinda...and i pay them a pretty solid wage for their work...shit..we pay em nicely...hell...i woulda helped my old man way more if he woulda paid me what i pay the bubs...

fuggen a tho...when your kid works with you , the parent has to work double the amount necessary in order to cover their mess of things....its fuggen maddening...then the bubs fight over everything...ud think if you had twins, life would be greatness for them...always a playmate....always a friend to count on...these two , however toss the acme anvil back and forth to each other.....24/7....im not going to dig into this one quite yet...the bubbas have given me a lifetime of blog entries....greatness to follow!

i digress...so it gets to the point where you are better off just duin everything yourself....wifey and i want to teach our kids how to earn money...get the hands dirty...just so long as they dont get stuck with a siringe ...or blade... tossed out by a hoody junkie...yikes! ...thats why dad empties the trash!...

i take them anyway and glad to do it...their bank accounts are impressive...and for the most part...theyve earned it all!..and they also know that their dad can be an asshole too! lifes trickle down effect....

Randy, wtf are you bro?

wtf are you randy??!

its days like this that really make me miss my temporary laborer...randy...

my carwash employee is out til toozday (oakland raider speak for tuesday...john matusak...used to call him "tooz"...) so i get to clean 3 washes today thru monday....sweet..its fuggen 100 degress outside...

id call randy to fill in....but havent heard from randy for about 6 months...last i talked to him...our conversation went exactly like this:

ME: "randy, i need you to clean up the back of 7 hills and tack down some of the fascia that blew loose during the wind storm last night.."

randy: "scotty..is that you...you wouldnt believe where i am right now...heh heh...i got me head right in between my red heads legs...damn son its great down here! HEE HEE"

i havent heard from randy since...

a contractor friend introduced me to randy about 5 years ago...hes a hell of a roofer and cleans out gutters like the best of em...he works hard but he always wanted more money after the job was completed... always...and that kinda pissed me off at times..but shit, the dude worked hard and did shit that no one else will do...

randy was a definite meth head...teeth were all rotted...a couple teeth flappin in the wind...he had a crazy ass brain too...would yell loudly and laugh uncontrollably at unfunny shit...he was an odd lot...my dog sasha would grab a chunk out of his ass every time he came over to do some OUTDOOR work here...i was afraid to let him come in...i do have kids and all...

i hired randy to "detail" (clean the exterior) my house...this was a big job...my abode has multiple gables at pretty high altitudes...he would have to hang from the roof ...and contort his body in various awkward positions in order to clean the soffits....i was nervous about randy taking on this job...i knew he didnt have the proper equipment...hell every time he did a job for me it seemed like i had to get him the tools for the work...this time was no different....

randy shows up in his pos pickup...i greet him outside...sasha waits until he turns his back ( shes smart) and chomp!....in go her teeth right in randys butt cheek..like clockwork...sorry randy..ill put her in her cage....

this time, randy told me he was going to bring some help..he knew he'd need someone to hold his legs while he hung over the roof ledge...thing is...he was by his lonesome...wheres the crew?

randy: "well i got pulled over by your police and well my 3 guys got taken in...outstanding warrants....im going to work today by myself..will you pay me some money today so i can bail my crew out of jail?"

me: "ok..." how the fugg is this idiot going to do this work by himself ?...i didnt ask him any details about the warrants...didnt care really...i just wanted the work completed...

Randy: "ill need to borrow your ladder and a bucket and some chemicals" shocker!

randy worked like a fuggen maniac..always did.....he started cleaning, scrubbing...did all the low altitude parts...

i went inside for about an hour...i got so fuggen nervous that this methhead was going to kill himself...on my property (lawsuit) ...i kept checking on him....finally it got to where he was finished with the "safer" work...i told him to go bail his boys out...i gave him half the bid amount..

next day...i guess he bailed his crew out....they all showed up...never was nervous about randy not showing up...even if i prepaid him a little...he needed his money ...he needed his meth and beer....and his redhead...

wifey had a great idea...she drafted and printed out liability waivers for randy and his crew to sign...smart cookie me wifey...i told randy that he and crew were required to sign before detailing could commence....

randy: "sir..(always called me sir) uh..this is my brother and well..he cant read....or write."

wtf? wtf!!!!!!? i laughed ..out loud..this was one of the deliverance moments...we all have these from time to time....this was the most classic deliverance moments in my lifetime...

randy: "he can make his mark on the sheet tho....is that good?"

wtf? wtf?!!!!!!!!!!!...the deliverance moment (above) that was the most classic deliverance moments of all time....just moved into a second position...silver medal...this "make his mark" was the gold medal of all deliverance moments in my lifetime..he made his mark.."X"

talk about frightening..these meth heads were hanging from all points of my house...i was just waiting to hear a scream and a thud...they tied ropes around the chimney stack and around their ankles...theyd hold randys legs while he contorted into the underbelly of the gables...scrubbin, cleaning...wiping down...it was amazing...they finished and fuggen eh....they did a great job..

no damage to house...no damage to the methheads...win win!

randys cell phone is still not working....my guess is that he is serving time somewhere...or maybe he and the red head got married and moved to arkansas...

randy always called me looking for work...i sure couldve used him this am.....

whats Fecca? better put...wheres Fecca?

its mecca for fat people...im not talking overweight..im talking enormously, way over duin it, your muffin top is just the very tippy tippy top of the globulous (is that even a word) base camp of "stored energy." or...your gut has its own gut and so on and so forth...the neck rolls have their own rolls..and so on and so forth...

where is Fecca?

i was there last weekend...

imax theater complex, branson mo

brilliantly designed...this indoor...wheel and spoke complex serves its purpose...

at the center of Fecca...a large kiosk serving funnel cakes and anythingandeverything fried...google image "mecca" and youll see thousands of pilgrims circling the kaaba . ..in order to fulfill their pilgrimage..they must circle the kaaba seven times...well...i saw this...but the kaaba was the funnel cake kiosk....and it was the focal point...base camp...center stage...the wheel...

the spokes ...jetting out from the focal point..base camp...center stage...lead to a huge country style restaurant..packed!...a food court ...packed! ..that includes the 31 flavors....the imax theater where we saw 'the other guys.." great flick...gift shops that sell crap ..i mean crap...crap!...youll throw away after a day er two....i was looking for a ball sack for my trailer hitch and was shocked that none of these stores had em...shocked!...the fudgery where huge slabs o fudge are there for you to view...its a fudge morgue...fuggen gross...

it was maddening...disturbing really...and the kids...oh man...i wanted to confront some of these parents and tell them to stop feeding their kids this crap...shouldve...didnt tho...sad...

im convinced that in order to be that overweight...i mean way overweight, one is required to work at it..like a job...its the opposite of being fit...one works at being fit...the fit person watches what they eat...makes time to workout...cardio...weights...

the way over duin it crowd, your muffin top is just the very tippy top of the globulous (still dont know if that is a word er not) base camp of "stored energy"crowd ...ankles calves and thighs have no distinguishable start and end points....the arms....oh the arms...the "oh my" crowd... i cant even image how much one is required to work to be that large. ...it has to be constant intake..input..import...and wow..the export..holy shit!

on one of the spokes, there was a peddler man...peddlin jewelry cleaner...funny as hell...hearing his cheesy pitch...something straight of an old fashion carnival/gypsy scene...there were 3 gals..i think they were gals...please stop eating!

listening to his pitch...."in front of you is a 1 years supply of miracle cleaner(windex..but whos sayin) for $20 ....and a 3 years supply for $ 30...which is better for you???!" (this was at the end of his 10 minute plus demonstration)

gal (i think): "neither!"

peddler man: "why?"

gal (i think): "cuz i have no money.."

from the looks of things...these gals had already circled the kaaba seven times and had no money left for the peddler man...

"we are on the ONE yard line!"

when you hear this come out of someones pie hole....run for the fuggen hills! the deal is dead..no fuggen chance of making...no matter what...same goes for "99% finished" (a roast is done..people are finished..mom always says) ...that means that one percent (1%) left equals such hard ache and pain (and legal fees) that completion is futile. and when the party gets into "inches"..instead of yards....you should be able to kickem in the nuts , multiple times...and make em pay for your legal bills and wasted time....then after said bills are paid....rinse and repeat....

if someone gives you a 1% chance of getting OUT of a deal or transaction..whatever the case may be...TAKE IT!

I bat 1000 on this...

think about how many times youve heard..."99% chance im there." how many times has that person let you down?

i laugh ..blatant...brutal..in your face sheeeet...when i hear this..i even tell the idiot that says this.."why didnt you make it a 75% chance so the deal has a chance of making?"

i call these fools "meteorologists." anyone that gives you percentages is wrong 99% or 99 yards 6 inches...of the time..ha..

that 1% or 1 yard..or 6 inches..also referred as the "death knell" (if they are really being a total and complete azz) gives the meteorologist the most vast, universally huge, loosiest of the goosiest contingencies out of a commitment ever know to humankind....its the catdaddy of all "OUTS."

this goes for any kind of deal...stocks, bonds, real estate, investments, marriage, relationships, yard work, hygiene...run for the hills

ha!

i hate your kids

you ever get that "look" from other parents? the look of "oh dont you think my kid is so cute" as the little fugger is kicking you in the shins...the same shin you just so happen to have shingles on. i know , dont end a sentence with a preposition...whatever..

people generally suck...and they create even more suckier kids by being sucky parents. i hate that "look!".... everyone gets the "look." it absolutely kills me. you walk by a family...mom and dad look at you... then look at their angels...then look at you hoping you are looking at their angels.. "look how cute my brood is...arent they special?" i get this everyday and it needs to end... i dont care about your kids. i dont like your kids...i hate your kids...(hate is a strong word..but it matches my title line)

you ever have a little kid punch you in the nuts? we all have...and dad is there laughing..."hey..great punch jr..im so proud" happened several times to me..kid just pops you an uppercut directly to the ballsack...
what do you do? i know what i wanted to do...wanted to "ray guy" punt the little pos.

i was in branson mo this last weekend with my bro in law. .kidless...beeeeeeuuutiful...golf sat and sunday...naps...great food...stayed at a very nice hilton...the hilton was a part of Branson Landing...( if you ever go to branson, stay at this hilton, golf at branson creek and the payne stewart carse...and eat every meal ...every meal at Cantina Laredo!) a mixed use entertainment center...very very nice for branson....unfortunately the people that frequent this place dont quite fit the demo the developers had in mind...i digress...

my point is this "look" i get doesnt just come from tristan yuppie and his stepford wife...it also comes from earl dub wide and wifey....got this "look" over and over again as i walked the outdoor shopping area....got the "look" at bass pro shops...even the harley biker dad and biker beotch gave me the "look"...."look, my kids are wearing the same harley shirt dad is wearing! see! see...! im watching you to see if you are watching them cuz thats all important to me and my entire purpose!"

everyone is so proud of their kids..why?

note to public: im not watching your kids....i dont care about your kids and how cute they are..i dont care what they are wearing...i can care less about how well they sing...how many goals they score...i am watching for the uppercut to the netheregions tho...a ray guy boomer will soon follow

anticipation....anticipayaytion...

...is keeping me waiting.....its keeping me way ay ay ay ayyyyting....

its gold jerry...gold...!

greatness coming soon

the bloggersphere welcomes me

today is august 4, 2010

im officially in...and well..you'll be entertained! i promise