so out of shape....its stupid

i have my eating disorders kind of in check...im not eating like a fuggen pig ass any more...went to mac for a steam and shower and left exhausted....literally tired...winded ....from the activity i used to do after a hard hour of squash...this is so sad...

watching this self destruction from my own eyes has been tough on me...i can only imagine what my loved ones and friends think....i dont recognize my pathetic fatass much any more...guess that can be good...i can start up a whole new life now...my fatass life...lazy fat piece of shit life...

need to get back on the horse soon or i will never want to go back....so ill start, once again...probably saturday...or next thursday...see, next thursday is when i play my next known and scheduled squash game....playing an up and comer.. he saw me just 2 hours ago while i was laboring in the mens locker...he is a fuggen buzzard flying around the fat elephant carcass....he knows he can beat me now, thus the invitation....and thats how it works...the circle of fatlife..

its easy picking on the fat guy...

ima girl

stepped on the scale yesterday....i havent weighed meself since last fall...when i was 225...and feeling great...

it was a tough winter....cold..snowy...miserable....lots of inside time...avoiding the inevitable...the scale..the truth teller..

and well...

holy fuggen gawd fugg! ima fatass...!!! 2 fuggen 40 fuggen 7!!!! im the size of an NFL linebacker...well...not really...those fellas are sculpted Adonises...i look more like a PEAR...flaps hanging over my waist..inner thighs rubbing together...man tits flobbin around...

im seriously pissed..

lost a whole bunch of weight in a biggest loser deal with me college mates..i need an edge..i need a competition for just about everything i do...if i dont have it, im a lazy ass fat fuggen loser boy...or girl

i say girl because...well...i handle this kind of shit like a teenage girl would...im always asking wifey if im fat...she doesnt answer me anymore because shes the smart one...and apparently, the male in our relationship...and like a girl, im starving myself in order to get me back into playing weight...that behavior leads to me being a total asshole...i hate being hungry..."stay away from dad"

with my back being all tender and girly....i cant work out...i cant play much squash anymore...

so i answer this dilemma with a large pizza and chip n dip...and ice cream...and chocolate...im fuggen fat guy in a small coat...im chris farley gap girl...LAY OFF IM STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

right now..i feel me girth being pulled by the ole gravity bomb...i feel me tits all saggy and very unperky...guess i could go lift weights and tighten up the boys...think i will start....next week...

i want write in my diary and cry while eating ice cream....i feel like tuning into oprah...im reading US weekly....and glam mag...i feel like buying a purse...i want a bikini wax...tan spa...mani..pedi..

i need help fellas...i need manning up...

ima mess....