wifey out of town...now what?

i do enjoy being a bachelor from time to time...but being one with 3 fuggen kids is kinda gay...

v is off until friday...so now i have to pick up the bubbas at skewl....330....then i guess i take them home...

and i guess i can hang there for the rest o day....hmmm....sounds boring...

perhaps ill pour me a stiffy...then figure out which pizza place to order from....no dishes...no cooking...

no doubt ill have a screaming match with me dauts...she feeling her own these days....shes a tough match...but ill win...im undeafeated....

then ill scan the channels...and watch some cool tv...or better yet, ill eat pizza in my bed and watch cool tv...and blow some farts....i might just light one....been awhile since ive lit the air biscuit...

then ill look around and find her chocolate stash.....and eat the fugg out of the swiss chocolate she so cleverly hides....

then ill catch some late night tube...never get to watch late night on the account that wifey is in sleep mode at 10 pm sharp...

then while sleeping, ill get to sprawl all over the place....ill cover every inch of the bed...just because i can....usually im leaning over my edge while spouse and k9 sprawl....

in the am...ill get the kids off to school...and there will be silence...a deafening quite that could make me break....but ill have our 3 too many dogs to entertain me for 5 minutes...off to work...

by tomorrow night, ill want to be on my edge of the bed again....but ill have to wait for friday night...then saturday night, ill kick myself in the nuts for not taking advantage of my staycation...

got those scramble blues...

every fuggen time i play in a golf scramble....EVERY MUDDER FUGGEN TYME...i finish one spot out of the money....always with that arbitrary score card playoff....wtf!!!??? ..scorecard playoff is another way of saying..."lets fugg up saundoggys fuggen werld?!"

happened again saturday...happened last sunday...ive played in 2 scrambles this year...im fuggen dundy!

fellas we played with won the damn thing..they won it last year too....these fuggers were solid tho...their worst golfer was a 1 handicap...their anchor was in the plus range...we were with them for 11 holes tho....then fire!!!


we get in the clubhouse...and the board is up...and we are in the money...uh oh....wait ..one group hasnt reported their score....no way theyll knock us out of the running...you think? ...and down goes fraaaaaayshaaah!

beeeeeeeuuuuup...fuggen price is right failure horns a blasted in my semi circular canals and cochlea regions of me inner ears...buuuuuuhhh duuu bahhh beedaaaa burrrrrrrrrrrm!

fuggen werld...i was so happy...like the fella that got the leg lamp in the movie "the christmas story"

big swingin deeeeotch!

yup...saundoggy has it back.....kickin ass taking names! how gay is that? referring myself as saundoggy....i hate that..what a complete dork!!!!

deals out the ass....who knew?

actually...im busy chasing the dream again....and some things look pretty good....but, this werld is brutal and my good things will most likely look like a polished turd in good time...

but....u gotta move forward and thru....make sure the turd in in the vice grip...all steady....start slowly with some high grade sandpaper...hopefully it holds together...

this is how to treat the "deal" world these days....everyone is a pile o crap...

even chet..."hey looks pretty good...now make your own dickweed!"

does your brief case match your truck?

mine does....pulled out my zero halliburton gun metal brief case...like james bond has, i have! i think matt helm had one too... im probably the only dude in the LOU that has one of these beauties....you should see the looks i get from the peeps on the streets....

big D is gun metal....my case is gun metal...

went to a meeting today and opened up my case....got out my legal pad and gonkulator (gotta be a huge fan of hogans heroes to know what im saying here) and started a cypherin...(gotta be a huge fan of the Beverly hillbillies to know what im saying here)...my client started laughing.....then he asked me where i got it....wifey bought it for me...xmas....about 15 years ago i think....sweetness!!!!! then he became jealous....now i know he wants one...

tomorrow, i break out the Fedora!

self absorbed

been told over and over and over again....throughout me entire existence....

in grade skewl...."youre stuck up!" wtf does that mean anyway..? wrong choice of words really....stuck up...? stuck up where? it doesnt make any sense!...i had swagger and those bitches tried to take it all away....

high school..." youre so conceded!" again...i concede to no one...so, thank you!...

college..."self centered bastard!"....that makes way more sense than the others....self...ok...thats me.....centered....center of attraction....ok....bastard....ill take that one too...

now a days..." you never listen...you always think youre right...you think youre so fuggen cool and great!"..... thanks! more praise please!

its tough being me...

skewl starts tooooo morrow!

fuggyah! my favorite fuggen day of the year...!!!! get them little bastards back to skewl and out of my existence! i mean out!!! im counting the days....i hope these bastids dont think they are coming home to live at home after college....guess i need to buy some extra shot gun rounds for my standoff! no fuggen way youre taking the hill...ill fight to the death....they are on their own!

i guess people have kids because they feel the need to pass on their awesome family traits to our world....or they forgot to put on rubber...or take the pill...some have kids to save their marriages...some need them for help around the farm or crack house....earl woods had his kid to be tiger woods...when i first of tiger woods i couldnt believe that someone would name their stupid , retard kid 'TIGER"....then i found out his real name is eldrick...earl woods shouldve been shot for that..wtf is an eldrick...old dick...elder rick...??? stupid ass clown....tiger woods is kinda gay...

i was a kid once you say...? yes i was...and i was a little fuggtard bastard too...i probably kept my parents up...made them nervous....pissed all over the bathroom....made mess after mess...asked for money and got it only to blow it on stupid retard shit...broke windows...broke countless bones....ate everything in existence...grew out of my shoes weekly...grew out of my clothes monthly...fought everyday with my sibling....

evidently mom forgot her pill...or dad forgot the trojan.....or they needed help around the crack house....

fraud..

me credit card company called...apparently someone in the LA county correctional facility got a hold of my card number and set up shop...nice..

how does this happen?

should this even happen?

you hear and learn about prison life through shows like "hard times" and "scared straight"..."shawshank"...greatest movie ever made....i guess there are fellas in prison that are able to get things for their fellow inmates..RED...now that was a guy who could get things for prisoners...andy got his rock axe from RED...andy escaped...

so now i guess if you do a crime....do the time...all while charging up someone elses credit card..

so now i have to fuggen go thru the process of filling out fraud forms....great....so once again the honus is on the rule follower....us rule followers continue to get the shaft....pisses me off...heavens to betsy!

its an upside down society....i feel like ive been violated....altho not the "violation" one receives in the bighouse...i guess us rule followers have that going for us eh?

celly ringers...

at the docs office yesterday afternoon...waiting room full...my doc is a rusky, and must treat every russian old fart in the stl area...great doc tho!

the ringtones from the patients were god awful...its apparent that the older crowd doesnt really care to change the default manufactured tones....you know that obnoxious ringer....the swooshy space aged crap noise....

and that got me thinking..

ringtones are a good way to tell all, that want hear, who the fugg you really are....

mine is the old fashion telephone ringer....its a classic...bold...loud...and just about everyone uses this same tone...that makes me one of the borg...a conformist...im the guy that goes to the longest line at the toll station..because i know it is open for bidness....sad really...need to change that...boooring!

only one of my ringtones is different...when the mother in law calls, my phone blares out the "emperors march" from star wars....fitting...she is not evil at all..but the mother in law marches in and uses her powers to influence everything and everyone...

my kids will sometimes mess around with me phone and change things up a bit...thats kinda cute and all but i really hate it....my kids mess around with all my technology....jail broke me ipod...the jail broken ipad is not a good thing...all it does is make shit way more confusing than it already is...i dont need my icons to move around....wtf!!? ...they change my screen savers on me pad and lappy....all that does is drain the already shitty power supply that these gadgets contain off the assembly line....what makes them do this? answer is simple...they look at me a stick in the mud and feel that me life needs spicing up...well, i dont...just leave my crap alone you little space wasters!

i go back to the old fashion ringer....boooring, loud, and booooring...im one of those...

one day ill be that old russian in the waiting room...with gout and a default ring tone...

shoot/cut me mick!

another back injection today...4pm...needles suck...

woke up this am and my fuggen left eye was swollen shut...allergies i guess....had to wear me sunnys until the damn thing went down....felt like a prize fighter...i looked like a fuggen mongoloid...i couldnt recognize myself...weird...

reminds me of an episode i had several years back...i popped some blue berries and went for a 5 miler...i lasted about 2 miles before my face blew up...my lips looked like mush mouth from fat albert and the gang.....eba dooba fata alberta......i loved fat albert...great show...always a lesson to be learned from every episode..."dont be scared...of a hospital...when youre there...at a hospital...youll get good care....at a hospital...and when youre there..bah bah .. youll get ice cream....!"

i looked like Mussolini after the pack got to him....went to hospital....iv...face went down...never did find out why me face blew up....

ingrates...

wifey pops out a baby and immediately they become ingrates....from newbie to adult...it never ends...

parenting is one tough obligation...there is no planning.....its a crap shoot... emphasis on crap...

just when your little darling sees a glimmer of light...maybe...they tear your head off and crap down your neck...

then you begin to wonder....wtf is my purpose?

there is no satisfying these little bastards...sure there are some good days...great days...

ingratefulness's has no boundaries....it spans every demographic...every culture...its global... universal......galactic...

birthdays? poor little thing didnt quite get all they wanted ..boofuggenhoo!

christmas...? we just give the kids money...they can buy their own shit

everyday, its.."can i have this...that...money....rides...friends over..."

these creatures sap the fuggen life out of you...its a constant battle...never ever ends

its not our/your fault either....it just is...no explainations...deal with it best you can and get them out of the house..

the truth doesnt come out too easily...if at all...its the OJ syndrome...tell yourself enough times that you didnt shit disturb your sibling and you start believing that the other started the battle...

satisfaction is a very very strong feeling....its utopic really...im satisfied that my kids will be ingrateful today...about something...

i had a huge lunch today....my stomach is overly satisfied at the moment...

raider haters....

you either love em or hate em.....the once mighty OAKLAND RAIDERS...i love them...

the press hates them....the true fans around the globe LOVE this ball club.....the raider nation chooses you....you dont choose the raider nation...i was chosen long ago...once chosen, you cannot break that bond....no matter what...we are the sith...

the raiders are owned by mr AL Davis....he is one crazy fugged up human unit...Al Davis would make a great james bond villian...he looks and acts like one of those unfortunate bastards that took a bullet from Bonds Walther ppk....shakin not stirred...

the raiders get no love whatsoever from anyone holding "press" credentials...tune into espn, anytime during any day, and you will witness disparaging remarks about the silver and black from one of their talking heads....highlights abound showing other teams scoring on the raiders....laughter in the background....its uncanny...

the raiders made their bed back in the 60s and 70s....they were the true mavericks of the NFL....they cheated both on and off the field....it was blatant...and they didnt hide this from anyone...they took other teams outcasts and let them loose on their opponents...linemen and linebackers putting casts on their arms ...weaponry...those were the good old days...

the raiders are responsible for countless rule changes...the raiders are responsible for many of the great "name" games that are highlighted and showcased by NFL films......examples:

the" immaculate reception" game...an unbelievable chain of events that literally gave birth to the pittsbugh steelers 70's era dynasty...the ball clearly hit the ground...fuggen werld!!!!!

the "sea of hands" game....a crazy come from behind win vs the miami fish...

the "heidi" game...broadcasters cut into yet another unreal comeback and victory over the ny jets....i guess they thought the viewers would rather watch a dumb swiss girl frolic up the mountainside vs watching the mad bomber Lamonica lead the once mighty and great oakland raiders to another miraculous victory...me pops was at that game...he still says that this game was the best, most exciting game he has ever seen...and unlike the millions watching on tv, he was fuggen there!!!!! awesome!!!!

the "holy roller" game....this one really sucked...the raiders cheated their way past the sandyeggo chargers...no doubt that this was the cheapest win in NFL history....i still feel guilty about that one...this was a rule changer and the game is better for it! ill give that one!

the "ghost to the post" game...dave casper makes a great catch to win a biggie playoff game in baltimore...

the "fumble" game..or the "snowjob" game....the "tuck (rymes with...) rule" game this one took years off my life...this game vaulted the patriots into their current dynasty status...crystal clear to anyone that this was not an incomplete pass....it was a fumble...raider ball....game over...off to pittsburgh...then onto the superbowl...stolen from the once mighty oakland raider football club...

google these games....its all there...unreal shit....

these actions from back in the day have come back to haunt the once mighty oakland raider football club....many many many debts are currently being paid back to society....even tho the raids have come "clean" and play by the rules...the modern day raiders play within the rules..they have become nice...probably the reason for them sucking ass lately!

the refs hate them...the refs screw the raiders on phantom calls...the raiders play against their opponents, the refs, and the world every fuggen game....sickening really...why...?

Kim jung al...thats why....my owner, al davis...a man that 99% of humanity hates...really hate...ive met al and he is a weirdy...to Als credit, he did hire the the first minority coach...actually, he has hired 4 minority head coaches... his ceo is a lady...cup check tho...he helps out his former players almost to a fault....he is very loyal to his players...check that...the players that are loyal to him....and if you happen to run a 4.2 40, he will love you like a grandfather....

as long as Al is in charge, the raiders will continue to get fugged....3rd and 1 is a lock for 3rd and 16 due to a phantom personal foul call....1st and 10 quickly and most certainly becomes 1st and 20 because of a mysterious holding call...on defense...4th and long becomes 1st and 10 because of "trip" that occurred 50 yards away from the action...and so it goes...hell i can blog all day long about this shit...touchdowns called back because the receiver catches the ball in the endzone....a touchdown for the other 31 teams right? not for the once mighty oakland raider football club...we cant score....its impossible for the raids to succeed...

fuggen werld!

this season, im going to kick back...relax...knowing that we are all here by mistake...

cowboys and aliens...ancient aliens...

cowboys and aliens....good movie...entertaining....those poor primitive cowboy bastards had to deal with these brutal aliens...how they won that battle back then with primitive weaponry is beyond me..

watched a great show last night on history channel....ancient aliens....basically this show splains just about everything to me....pyramids....the dome of the rock....all these crazy ass structures that were built long ago....no way man did this shit....religion and the gods are basically explained as a close encounter of the third kind......thats what the show told me....

also, every encounter that the profits had were of alien nature...makes sense...an alien would come down to our planet...give a message to one of these bastards...and the deed was done...these aliens were all glowing and their vessel was no doubt covered in multiple colors of light....kinda of like a las vegas sign landing near you....

this week has been perplexing for me...on monday i saw a new show..."curiosity"....the pilot was all about how the universe began....stephen hawking explained....basically said that we humans are a mistake....that something kinda small went wrong during the big bang...big bang...i like that...if yo gunna bang, make it big yo... and we evolved into this shit...blew my mind....it was cool...

so with these aliens telling our human ancestry what to do and how to build shit....and hawking telling us that we are a mistake....i feel like partying! wtf are we so stressed out about? im one fat mistake amongst billions like me....drinks are on me!

thanks bro..

face it... i do every fuggen day...i face it...AGE....im middle aged....im 45....45 x 2 = 90...90 is old...90 is walking death....so yes im middle aged...lived half me life....

so i saw a fella yesterday that i havent seen in a year plus...he too is in the commercial RE bidness....he too has been caving it for the last several years....it blows out there...thar she blows!!!...no worries..its just me....blown on..blown out...everything blows ass!

so my man sees me....first thing out of his mouth...."wow..youre losing your hair dude!"

uh so the fugg what? ...hair is over rated....my man is bald by the way and fat and uglyand looks like the penguin on the batman series.......i guess he wants me to get into the fold...im bald so its great that you are balding kind of thing...

when it gets bad...which it will one day...ill just lop it off with a one cut...one cuts rule...hair is way over rated...just lop it all off...who the hell cares...im talking guys here....bald chicks look fuggen weird to me....

hair gets in the way...and things stick to hair....

so this december....46 will be my age...on the downward side of death....the descent to base camp...dundy and bald...

porsche parking...

for us normal fellas...we park our cars...trucks...whatever properly...i pull in and try to get me tires equidistant between the 2 marked lines...no biggie eh?

porsches...see they have different rules that apply...

these fuggers get to cross park over several spots allowing for minimal damage from door dings and other fuggen whatnots...

i see this everywhere...you have too...

but as a fella...it really doesnt anger me much....because porsches are super cool and they deserve this special treatment....i dont know what those cars do to me, but they certainly make me fuggen jealous of the d bag porsche owner....i want to be the guy that owns the porsche! and i want to cross park my baby and have all passer by'ers drool and oogle and fuggen want to be me!

other vehicles cant get away with this parking behavior tho...doesnt fly with the lexus....the range rovers...the bmw...mercedes...i get fuggen mad when these posers pull a porsche park job...

but that wont happen...ever...

cant fit in one because of me big ass....

i wish the german engineers would get with it...design a fatass porsche 911 turbo...then id park diagonally and be super cool like the fuggen d bags at starbucks!

fuggen werld...

cool hand luke...butch cassidy

on back to back last night...stayed up wee hours watching...awesome...

lean towards cool hand luke tho...cool hand is one of those movies that, while channel surfing you happen to see its on...and youre hooked...have to watch it...no matter what...no matter how late...no matter what needs to be done...you are watching...what we have here is a failure to communicate...

shawshank is the same type of movie...my all time favorite...get busy livin or get busy dyin

i dig starwars....so any of the bastards is on while scanning....hooky...

slapshot...stripes...animal house...wedding crashers...hangover...old school...porkys...

any one know where mike hunt is....anyone see mike hunt? im fuggen dyin...!

slapshot is a cult classic...but you can never watch the edited version of this off the hook dirty classic....some of the script lines are so fuggen vulger...awesome!!!!

sack up fella!

i hate it when some adults dont give you the real story....beat around the bush....it happens all the time in my line of work...probably yours too eh?

i have a tenant....a good tenant...a strong tenant....a tenant that is very important to my properties cash flow...i had a great relationship with the former regional manager...he left...the new guy is a d bag..if the old guy was still there, there is no doooot in my mind that they would stay....no question...i hate it when this happens...the new guy always fuggs everything up...

.he wont return calls...emails...calls...emails...ive left multiple detailed messages on how this fugger can reach me...

nada..

i know they are relocating...but this fuggen girlyman wont give me the common courtesy of telling me this....i want to hear it from this guys pie hole....tell me you stupid bastard..

problem is....this kinda fella doesnt want to come out with it....he is probably afraid that he will be hurting my feelings by telling me the fuggen truth...

a real man wants to know where he stands...a real man tells people where they stand on things...i get this shit all the time...and i cant understand why or how this happens...

i liken this to a child that covers their face with their hands, thinking that they are hiding from you....they cant see u, so u cant see them...

cfb, this really pisses me off...

high jump and the american deficit....

when i was 18...i maxed out at the high jump....yes fatass me...always had a big ass ass...was a high jumper...i had mad leaps...hops...back in the day....my max...6 ft 6 inches...i kid you not...id show up at the high jump pit and the jumpers would tell me where the shot put area was....no bro...im a jumper...hahahaha...well fugg off...and i leaped over the bar...horrible form...ass dragger...i couldnt help it...gravity babe...gravity.....but i did the job...4th in state...thank you very much...some dude jumped 7 feet...second was 6 10...then me and some other dude tied...at 6' 6"...i had a fault at a lower height...so he took 3rd...fuggen crap!

when the bar was raised to 6'7"...it was as tho the bar was 10' high....i couldnt get close to clearing any more than 6'6"...when i approached 6'7" id literally grab the bar with me right hand and toss it aside...kinda like mid air cheating...by tossing the bar away, i clearly would clear the bar...doesnt count...but that was the only way i could get over that height...

now comes our nations deficit....not just the fed government...but our households...our people...all classes... WE ALL JUST CANT HELP SPENDING MONEY WE DONT HAVE! no doubt we have over reached our limits....yet we continue to throw down the bar and clear our jump limit illegally...problem is, when a jumper has 3 faults...youre out....

the do over..the mulligan...the restarts...why isnt linsay lohan in jail? why arent there any wall street fat cat scheister crooks in jail?

fact is...we are never going to get over the bar that is set up for us...not the fed...they have fugged it all up for all of us.....mathematically, there is no chance in hell....

too bad i didnt see Ted this am....i couldve made his day with my crazy analogy....

have a nice day...

i kid you not...

wifey just called me and well....awnys replacement phone broke...evidently, the crystal just broke...he didnt drop it...no one hit him...just broke...like magic..after 1 hour of activation....it broke...

shoot me

4th cell phone

so ferf whacked awny with the vacuum pole and broke his celly....shattered awnys smart fone....hurray!!! another claim! that be number 4 in 30 days...

awnys on number 2...his first was swimming pool bound

ferf left his at the kc airport

syd dropped hers in her toilet....how the fugg does that happen?

so it cost 100 bucks every time we get a phone replaced...they send you a refurbished fone which means it was someone elses piece of shit before..perfect..

im not buying this one tho...each bubba has to pay me 50 bucks for this fone.....why u might be asking? well...im initiating the instigator rule ala the NHL....this fone broke due to provocation from the instigator..in this case...awny....see awny shoved ferf and ferf retaliated with a crack of the vacuum tube...i guess it was handy...weapon user ferf is...use your fist man..come on......if awny didnt shove him, then ferf wouldnt have cracked him one...

and so it goes....both are bummed...

top 5 biggest pains in the ass....getting a new cell phone...it takes forever to deactivate.....activate...make sure your fuggen contacts get transferred..im talking 100s of man hours dealing with some dot head in india...

and its all our faults....because we need to know where jr is all the fuggen time...screw that shit...i say toss the fones away...save your cash, and let jr walkabout wherever...more than half the time the fugger doesnt even have his phone... doesnt answer...or forgets to plug the fugger in...!

ive had it...again!

shit tenant

we have a shit tenant....literally...

this guys sewer backs up every 2 to 3 weeks...he uses 4 ply paper...and it doesnt dissolve....he has 3 toilets used by 25 to 30 of his people....

told him to use a less thick paper...dude refuses...we have rights to make him change...hes a dick...fuggen dork loser refuses...wtf...

he wrote us a letter informing us that we have poor plumbing and he is moving out....we have never ever had a problem with this building until this fella moved in with his army of shitbags..no other tenants back up...apparently, they dont wipe their ass with a fuggen beach towel like these assholes do...

it is crystal clear that he is the problem....this building has perfect plumbing as we have scoped it with a camera...

we showed him what his paper does when it sits in a glass of water for over 8 days....it doesnt dissolve....then we showed him what normal paper does...dissolves instantly...

i cant wait to try this fugger in court....what a shitty case he has....winnah!..

dat be goof!

one of me bidness fellas texted me..."sure sounds goof!"...he meant "good"....i immediately pounced on this...once again i will lead the way and begin calling good things "GOOF"

i texted him back..."dat be goof bro!" and "GOOF!" and "max GOOF!"

he is ignoring me, so im stealin it!

in about 2 months....ull be seeing this everywhere...this baby has legs...!

"DAT BE GOOF!" thats what the urban yutes will be sayin

"That is GOOF!" thats what waspy suburbanites will say...

"WHOA...goof bro!"....skaters

"Like goof"....rehtard 16 year old girls

"get yo goof on girl"...rapper

7am dentist appointment

bubbas dentist appointment sked for 7 am this am...since the recession, we have moved to out tenants dentist practice....makes sense...got to feed who feeds you right? plus our last dentist was a fuggen robber....and he wouldnt deal when i came to him with a more "market" proposal.....idiot....plus he smoked and had excessive nose hair....wtf...trim that!!! plus the dude always tried to hook up his dork son with me daughter...weird shit....just clean my teef and overbill me asshole!

guess who made the 7 am monday am appointment?...ill give u a hint.....IT WASNT ME!!!! so wifey tells me over the weekend that i have to get two 13 year old giant hibernating bears for a 30 minute trip...yes 30 minutes as she is our only dentist and she practices at our furthest away property.... to get their fuggen teef cleaned....drills...suction....flouride....kids love that shit right?

presently, im a fuggen zombie....ive powered thru 2 sbux coffees....strong tea...and all i have to show for it is droopy eyes and a sore asshole....i feel bad for the dentist office....by now HAZMAT is probably there in their yellow suits...eradicating the hazardous waste i left them....sorry!

august just started and it already sucks!!!!