duck hunt

went on my first duck hunt yesterday...fuggen beauuuuuuutiful! this place was so titty...what is titty? well the "tits" are the best....so if something is "titty"....well...its the best...dont know why this is because im an ass and legs man myself...but tits are pretty cool too...

i digress...

this hunt club was exclusive to 4 brothers and another guy....this place is 200 acres of fowl shooting heaven....many blinds throughout...you had to wade out in the water to these blinds...i guess thats why you need waiters....i didnt have shit..but i knew they had gear for me...and boy did they ever! they had everything...guns and ammo and shit...multiple gators for transport to and fro...

the clubhouse...omfg...this place was mount titty! the tits of the titty! plush accommodations included the nicest of nice in leather sofas, chairs, wood burning stove, huge plasma tv...a gear room full of fuggen awesome hunting gear..lockers...a garage with the titty of titty gators and atvs...THIS PLACE IS AUGUSTA NATIONAL OF DUCK CLUBS!

i was the newbie...only one there that has never hunted before...i was told to wear clothes that i would hike in on a cold day...so i wore jeans...and a bright RED jacket...UHHHHH....yeah...well that wass the funny part of the entire day....WHO the fugg wears red when they are hunting?

Saundoggy does thats who!

i was the brunt of all jokes...thing is tho..it didnt matter, because they had a cammo hunting coat for me anyway.....i knew that...but i went along with the crowd...Ive learned, long ago, that when you are made fun of by your peers, its a good thing...that means they like you....that explains why ive been laughed at pretty much my entire life...i have lots of friends....or im the biggest ASSCLOWN in human history...

we didnt get a bird yesterday...the wind was still and the ducks wouldnt come down to land...its ok tho..i got to fire several shots at some ducks that were apparently just out of range...if they were in range...i wouldve bagged about 3 in one shot...im that good...

im fuggen jazzed about duck hunting now..i want to gear up with all the shit and go again! problem is, i want to go to this place...and no other...ive reached the top and will refuse to slum it!

only the best for saundoggy!

syd passed her drivers test!

finally..i have a kid that drives...!!! totally stoked! we just had a nice family dinner and birthday cake....and now syd too bubbas to mac for some squash....wifey and i have the fuggen house to ourselves...im so giddy! im farting up a storm im so excited!

wifey all nervous and doesnt get my smiles...oh well...to each his/her own...

next step...COLLEGE!!!! baby steps i guess...

bad back...stomach flu...

so i havent blogged in awhile...thats probably bad news for you peeps out there enjoying the many trainwrecks that are unfolding right before your eyes....

ill get back soon....

bad lower back will be the end of me soon....note that....

fuggen wired hair wiener dog...

had dingleberry removal procedure tonight....guess who does that work?

dogs name is schnicklefritz...he is a piece o shit....bites males....

its syds dog...she doesnt take care of the bastard at all....i do..shocker eh.."dad, ill take care of him...i promise!" same shit i pulled on my folks...amazing how shit like that flows down the family tree...

i brush him...bathe him...feed him...water him...and pull shit off his hairy ass....

he is a cute dog tho...if he wasnt...he would have been stomped long ago!

the "bad boy"

sons bought themselves (split it) a sweet automatic airsoft gun...M1A1 thompson...real wood...metal...523 feet per second firing speed....6 bullets per second...semi auto and automatic...

560 bullet capacity clip...

i shot it this am..into the small pond in our front yard....and for an instance...i knew what it was like to be on the high ground shooting from a pill box...

this baby is sweeeeeeeeet!

problem is, there is only one...the twins are splitting it....this should be a bunch of fun when the dorktards fuggen fight over it...then it gets thrown out into the pasture...!

id hate to be on the accepting end of this bad boy...welt city! better not be me...

this weekend im going to turkey hunt the bubbas with this bad boy....they love it,...i sit up on the high ground, and they run for their lives....they are well clothed and have helmet and full face gear on...so no one gets hurt....that much

wash duty with syd

mikey still on vaca...yesterday and today, i got some help with the car washes...syd...cant believe the worlds laziest kid helped her dad...not once...but twice...syd out of skewl today...teacher workshop shit..

ahh..she turns 16 next week....car anyone?

kids kill me...when they want shit they turn up the bullshit

always loved xmas time...leverage city! my kids will lick my shoes for a crack at their xmas list...its so much fun watching them grovel...

syd did well...i was surprised...at one of the washes today....a pants on the ground punk (this dudes pants were near his calf...lowest pants ive ever seen) was jamming a song..oh my...this song was a beauty..."im gunna mudder fugg u all nite long mudder fugger!" this lyric went on and on..over and over....syd was cracking up...i was kinda crackin up....it was unreal...and loud...and clear...great artists at work!

greatness!

this poor bastard..all that shit he bought for junior will be his demise...if he survives....poor junior!!!

fuggen moron

wifey and her gal pals got 8 ticks to see chelsea handler manana nite..ill pass thank you..

their super mega rich sugar daddy at the mac gave them his suite for the show and they asked me to sell their tickets on craigslist...

bad idea....im ADD and i fugged up bad..basically....i lost them each about 50 bucks per ducket...

how u ask...? well i got cocky as one responder wanted to know if id pair them for 125....i said hell yes..thinking he meant 125 per ticket....the gals thought i was fuggen pimp daddy phat...

i got another fellow for the same deal....problem was, he meant 125 for the pair as well...

saundoggy said "deal!" so i guess i have to go with it...TWICE! 4 tickets for a 200 buck ducket fugget loss!

you do someone a favor and you end up shitting the sheets..

i get all upset about this little shit...hell it aint even my money...thing is tho...i was all strutty earlier, braggin about my "wheelin and dealin!" in front of the bitches (that their nickname for their flock) and now im all YIPE YIPE YIPE ...like a punished dog..

pimpin aint ez my friends....price you pay to help out....now i know why people walk by and ignore the mugging...

wifey wont be happy...as she was all proud of me earlier...YIPE!!!!

my friday

615 am ...wake up

630 am ... go to starbucks....get a red eye for me and a latte for wifey

7am...its bread co friday...i take kids to skewl in the ams and on fridays we go to stl bread co...where the kids order up and saundoggy sits on his ass drinking his starbucks red eye

730 am...drop kids off to their very exclusive private skewl...this place is unreal..it should be...$$$.. in my crewmax....while dodging the lexus' ....benz's...and out of our RANGEROVERS!

8am...i get to clean and maintain our 3 car washes...big mikey is in fla for a week...i love this work..its awesome, as long as i dont get my ass capped by the pants on the grounders....it can get scary

830 am...meet my sign guy...going to brand my washes...KEEP IT CLEAN CARWASH...gunna use the keep on truckin dude as my mascot...why the fugg not..!?

130pm...show space at one of our retail centers to a gun and ammo shop....kick fuggen ass!!! id love to have em as a tenant...might just offer them 1 yr free rent...this place is very old skewl cool....guns are awesome!

5pm...pick up bubbas from their last football practice...watching them play football has been the coolest of all cool....well...just as cool as that gun and ammo shop..

530pm...squash league...ima mess...i choke every match this year...for some reason...im an absolute wreck...it makes for some great stories....one of these days i might be leaving the court in cuffs....

630pm...makers mark

"chief" "guy" "ace" "sport"

i was called GUY today and well.....any one that calls you that should be smashed ballside by a sledgehammer..

checking the douche bag dictionary:

Chief

-noun

1. a word used by a total douche bag uses to point out the leader of people.

"hey chief! what do you say about having some brandy in the hearth room after some snooker?"

2. boss or leader

"hey chief! what do you say we go out to the clubs after we dump these hookers after having some brandy in the hearth room after some snooker?"

Guy

-noun

1. a boy, man or fellow...douche bags use this when demanding a service...

"hey guy, why dont you bring my car out front after me and the misses sip on some brandy in the hearth room after some snooker!"

Ace

-noun

1. douche bag word that replaces the word "stud" "stallion"

"wow ace! you really scored with those 3 girls after sipping on the brandy in the hearth room after shooting snooker!"

Sport

-noun

1. a noun, usually stated by a sweater vest wearing, great Gatsby looking, total d bag to replace someones.... in the highest of demographics... real name....

"hey sport, looking good...after driving my bentley to the country club and playing 18 and then driving my bentley to the squash club and playing a match, why dont we talk about all of our great financial accomplishments and how we screwed people out of all their savings in our ponzi scheme while sipping brandy in the hearth room after shooting snooker?"

never hunted before...got an invite...

and im fuggen all in....! after shooting sporting clays...saundoggy is officially an outdoorsy kind o fella....

a big , powerful, italian family owned real estate developer invited the dawg out for a duck hunt...ive never..in my sorry life...ever shot and killed a living creature...my pops always went pheasant hunting and i always passed....pops has an arsenal of weaponry....and all of the sudden, im interested in having these jewels added to my pitiful arsenal...

november 18....i get to "enjoy a day of duck hunting, food, and friendship..." kick fuggen ass!

i have zero equipment..but guess what???....its all provided....no gun...PROVIDED...no AMMO...PROVIDED....no cammo...PROVIDED! no clue....HOPEFULLY PROVIDED!!!

i hope i dont shoot someone....im big time ADD...i sure hope i listen to the rules otherwise someone might get hurt...sure hope i dont dip into the makers while out in the blind...that could be very bad.....im hopin this italian family doesnt put me in cement shoes after i make a complete jackass out of myself...!

im giddy....im gunna blow those little bastards out of the fuggen sky!!!!

no more touchy feely animal lover....ima killer....ima mess!

my tard daughter

kid has it all....smarts...looks...common sense...athletic ability from the heavens...

always after her to practice....work on her game, hone her skills...whatever that game is...soccer, golf, squash, you name it....she could be a great one! it would be a bonus on her resume for college admission....if she wouldve practiced her golf for maybe 5 hours max..not a day...just 5 hours......shed be good enough to get a scholarship...... she has that much potential...but no...she HATES golf...! hell...she hates her coaches (every fuggen one of em), teachers, me, wifey....her brothers...etc etc etc!!!

her take on this encouragement....and i quote.."ill never be good because you said i wont be, so im not going to practice."

would someone please come take her away please....and return after paying for her remaining hs and college tuition...PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! im begging you!... actually...dont return her until you pay for her fuggen wedding!

mizzou here she comes! fine by me!