Its raining fuggen toupees!

SD had the FAM out to his lovely cottage on Harbor Point...in HOYTY TOYTEEE Harbor Springs MICHIGAN.....place is fuggen awesome...full of ST Louisans tho...cant escape those bastards!  MUFFY BIFFY...quickly a game of tennis then off to the yacht...hmmmmm hmmmm.....fresca!?


SD and i played bucu golf...thats what the michigan billboards say to do....so we did...

last day o trip, SD and i played LITTLE TRAVERSE BAY GC....sweet track...very titty!  we hooked up with these two fellas....scott and OU..call him OH YOU (OU) because i cant forget the somebitches name....

On 18, OU is having his trubs....he fuggen layed the mud wrench out with full force and effect...fuggen 12 inch long beaver pelts were flying....he single handily created 3 lake foundations in the middle of the fairway....these divots would get you 10 bucks at a russian trading post...

im snickering to SD...told dave ..."its raining toupees!"    SD apparently liked that joke and laughed out loud...

i drove our cart just past OU....told him...."Dave said that its raining toupees!"

Im back!

slow golf

when you are the first to tee it...no one is on the course...and the fella you play with is slowy mcslowerson....it gets to be a bad idea...

this am...woke up early...and golfed with "coach" ...coach gets comped so it was free....but how free is free? this fella is a nice guy but fuggen a....every single shot requires addressing the ball...backing off...addressing the ball....changing clubs...looking at his gps...10 practice swings....and fire! finally!..the results arent pretty either...not bad...but not as great as the "TALK" you get to hear...

im fuggen the fastest golfer in the history of the game....i get to my ball....shoot the stick with me laser gun...ZERO practice swings...practice swings are a waste....i have found that your first swing is always the best...kind of like guessing on your SAT's...fire! rinse and repeat...MOVE OUT and MOVE ON!

we shouldve finished in 245....ez..took us a little over 4 fuggen hours....we had a cart....no one was on the track! unreal....just so frustrating...

i dont know what to do as my golf sample has petered out...no one will play with me anymore...i dont thinks its me...perhaps it is...i do feel that im the only person alive while playing....i do practice proper etiquette while playin tho...im nice enough....i do talk to myself a bunch tho....tinker with my swing....BUT...i dont waste anyones time!!!!!

perhaps its my big ole wad of dip i have in between my cheek and gums... i dont spit on tee boxes and greens tho! ...perhaps its that i dont give 2 shits about helping anyone find their ball....i hate looking for my own.....why should i bother looking for someone elses?....unless of course there is money on the line and pardsies ball is in trouble....then ill sneak a peak...

these fuggers on tv have wrecked this game...line up their shit...walk around their putts..practice swing city!....its not supposed to be like this...just get out and get it over with fcs!!!

hey it monday and i got in an early 18....no complaints right? wrong! it sucked because i fuggen cant stand slow, shitty golf...

MASTERS!

by the power of grey skull....!!!! the MASTERS IS ABOOOOT TO BEGIN...

i giddy this time o year.....the masters is my door to spring/summer.....when that gay piano music plays along with that quite gay guitar pluck a plucks...and very gay jim nantz tells all how majestic augusta national is.....i know that the weather has turned and its time to fuggen play some gofgofgof!!!

about mudder fugge tyme!

masters sunday is the ultimate best....im glued too the set all day and night...everything about it gives me a chub...except for when nantz is on....gawd he bothers the holy shit out of me....his little quips and soliloquies blow stank ass...." a win for the family!" nantz fuggen said after phil mantits knocks in bird on 18...." a win for the century!" er sumptin like that...after woods won his first major...

this fellow nantz is every where..cbs hoops, cbs footy....cbs everything.....hes a like able guy maybe...hangs out with some cool peeps...fred couples is sposed to be his friend...but shit, the guy just bothers the crap out of me....

fuggen a im stoked...masters!! greyskull....power...battle cat!

females...

im going to spend the next week on the beach pontificating, analyzing, and figuring out females.

any question you have, i will have the answer..

im on a quest....i need to figure this thing out....for all of MANkind...

since there will be zero golf for me in mexico next week, i will just sit and stare and pontificate...that and eat and drink... i plan on filling my journal with the most eye opening, scientifically tested research on the other side...the dark side....the world of the females...

my eyes are wide wide open...im going in!

golf rules blow...my rules rule

golf rules pretty much suck....they were drawn up by a bunch of fuggen drunk fatasses...the game is hard enough as it is...

why the fugg do you need to add a stroke if your golf ball rolls a little after you address the ball? it makes zero sense..if your ball moves a little during your swing, and you hit it...stroke! wouldnt the moving ball make it harder to strike the shot you were looking for? isnt that penalty enough? your ball moves on the green...after you address it....stroke!...bullshit stupid ass crap...why? shit like this makes golf no fun...bunch of anal assholes...

golf rules really suck...

ok...your tee shot crosses the evil white stakes on the side of the hole...out of bounds...oscar delahoya...ob city...ob won kenobi...so the rules state that you must re tee and take a penalty...so youre hitting 3...golf is a long day anyway...i say fugg the ob rule and play it as a lateral...speeds up play...makes golf less aggravating...if you play a course that is surrounded by houses, youll love my rule..

all the other rules in golf are ok with me... i really dont like the "no grounding the club in a hazard" rule much, but i can live with it...

golf would be great if theyd change it up a bit...the saundoggy rules

1. no stroke and distance for OB

2. no stroke for oscillating balls

3. must finish in 4 hours max for 18 holes...if your group doesnt finish in 4 or less....you get kicked off the track...no questions asked...the asians are the worst....those little fuggers take their sweet ass time...the dbags that think they are freddy fuggen couples are worse...these fuggers read the green from every fuggen angle....they take 10 practice swings...then proceed to hit a shank OB...fugg them! nothing makes golf more fugged up than a 5 to 6 hour round...there is no way this should happen...

4. if you smoke..dont fuggen toss your butt on the track! if you chew or dip (me)...do not spit on the greens or the tee boxes....makes sense eh?

5. practice swings....i dont take any...i feel like my best swing will be my first...so i just go with that and it usually works....if you do take practice swings....you get a max of 2....if more, that is a penalty stroke! enough already...hit the fuggen ball mortimer!

6. cell phones...i have no problem with cell phones...as long as ringer is on vibrate...

7. golf dess....i like looking decent when i golf and everyone should too..i like to play with shirt untucked and i get kind of pissed when the pro tells me to tuck in me shirt. cargo pants should be allowed as well..

8. divots, ball marks, raking all these repairs must be done at all times..no excuses

9. reading greens...youre only able to read the green from behind your ball...thats it..no side reads...no front reads....just get behind your ball...look at it BRIEFLY...and putt the damn ball...and move on!

10. breakfast ball mandatory, if you chose... on hole one....and thats it...no other mullys..for amateurs only..we need to get our rounds off to a good start...

11. bump the ball only when course is in shit condition...if track is in fair condition...play it down...i find you make better contact when you play it down...anger gives you focus!

XXX...best week of my life!

fitting that sb XXX was the TIME OF MY LIFE! XXX (hot sexy...titty!)...thats 30...i was 30...it was 15 fuggen years ago....i maxed out! nothing beats it...why? here's my list..

1. XXX was in ptown....phoenix...cowboys v steelers ( stillers) ...hate both of those teams...but it didnt matter..ptown kicks ass....weather is awesome...golf golf golf! ptown golf rules and we played a bunch o golf!

2. the phoenix open was taking place at the same time the town was hosting the superbowl...

ok thats why...

right...thats why it was the best week of my life right?

let me dive in a little more..

due to family connections...lets face it ...i married right period...i admit it...

the family connections allowed me to fuggen have the best time of my 45 years on this planet...

wifey and i had vip passes to the commissioners party....the party of all parties....this was where thousands and thousands of revelers and nfl players (current and past) gathered for food and frolick....i was a kid in the candy store...not only that...we were the TITS that night...we got to eat in the VIP area....tables set up for each team....sat right in between the cowboy table and the stiller table....met the coaches of both teams...cool eh...just fuggen awesome! also got to meet freddie b and jimmy plunkett ..timmy brown...(raider greats).....warren moon...lynn swann...the list goes on and on! food was so great...booze flowin....heaven! we were in the section where everyone else was looking in to....ha...beat it peasants...

next night wifey and i go to the owners party....this was a very mellow gathering of the nfl owners, family, and select friends....very small gathering at a very nice hotel ....food...booze...first class....we were the second party to arrive....the first one there was MR AL FUGGEN DAVIS....owner of my beloved OAKLAND RAIDER FOOTBALL TEAM.... the man...the crazy mutha fugger...im stoked....i go directly to al and introduce myself...he gave me about 15 minutes...cool eh...? al was wearing a white track suit...at a fuggen party...his glasses were on a thick gold chain...couldnt believe it...

so what did we talk about...

ME: "uh mr davis, im a big fan" i go into some detail how ive been a raider fan forever and i love the s and b...i go into how we got screwed in kansas city ( wifey and i were there) that season...

MR DAVIS: "uh yes ..that was a tough one.....say, next time we are in kc, let me know...and ill arrange it so you and the misses can come up to my box and look around for a bit...then you'll have to go back to your seats..."

uh wtf!!!??? this guy is rude..but i just went with it...he is al davis...

wifey is pregnant with our twin boys at this time....and i wanted to name one of the boys "RAIDER" ...so wifey tells AL this...

AL: "uhhh if you name one of your kids there "raider" i will see to it that he is outfitted with rayduh (al is from Brooklyn ny) gear his entire life...here is my personal assistants card...send here the birth cert and its a done deal.." i pussed out...wifey said i could name the boy raider and i choked...so no gear....fuggen idiot...im so weak

ok cool....AL just erased the letdown i just had with his snobby.."come up to my box and have a look" bullshit...im happy...

so it kind of ended there as AL began mumbling (i think he said "commitment to excellence...and just win baby...over and over again...or perhaps i was drunk) and i could tell he was tiring of my fatass...so we went to the bar...and had a great evening meeting all the other owners and family etal...

the next day: Phoenix open...we had the greatest set up there...a private tent on 18 green....right there....we got there early and the bloody Marys were going down like water....we got so fuggen wasted...the girls attending this golf tourney were so fuggen hot....it was absolutely amazing....my head was on swivel...wifey wasnt happy....i think i told her to start checkin out the hot golfers, when stadler was coming up the hill to 18 green....fat fuggen walrus!

the game: superbowl XXX (hahahaha) was an awesome game....of course we had vip ticks to the tailgate party...gap band.....you drop a bomb on me baby! i was in heaven...i love those fellas...HS favorite....we ate..drank...we were all lubed up ready for the game..cool and the gang there too....and i think midnight star....NO PARKING BABY>>>no parking on DANCE FLO!

our seats were fuggen kickass....we were right on the FIVE OH! i studied it for about 20 minutes....lining up my eye like i was sighting a rifle....yup 50 fuggen yardline! not only that...we were front row loge....no one to stand up in front of you....these were the best seats i have ever sat in period! who was sitting next to me....MEAN FUGGEN JOE GREENE....stiller great...had him sign my ticket stub...

the game was kickass...cowboys won a tight one....looked to be going to OT when the steeler qb threw it right to larry someone..(this larry fella was signed to the raiders the next season and was a total flop...thanks AL) and he ran it in for the closer....

game over...we proceeded to our car...oh yeah...VIP parking...we were out of there in minutes...

nothing ..and i mean nothing will even come close to that week.....movie star like treatment...

many would enjoy this type of treatment every week/day/year...i probably would pass on that...it was so fuggen outstanding that if it were to occur all the time...youd get sick of it...i would...and the memory of that week wouldnt be a memory at all....

BUILT RULZ!!!!

pontiac firebird

parked in my driveway...loaded with 4 boys...16 year olders...were over for a spell yesterday....like dogs in heat....they circle my daughter....in our day, the phone would ring...right? i guess our parents knew who was calling and when.... now its skype, text, facebook, and cell phone....its impossible to track these dogs...

i knew this time would come soon...syds got it going...shes smart, attractive, blond...cant figure out if she acts dumb because shes blond or is just kinda dumb....she makes solid grades with little effort...like everything, she does just enough to get by...its kind of aggravating because that fuggen kid is blessed with talent and brains...she can play every sport well....but not one sport really well....she goes out for golf, because its easy, and makes the varsity with zero prep....i mean zero...shes a natural. if she would focus on golf for one summer, she would be scholarship city!

now the dogs are circling and..." DAD!!! they are just friends!!! I hate you...dont talk to me!"

so i watch and laugh...

i saw that car and laughed my ass off....right away i sang..."MOTORIN!!!! whats your price for flight...in finding mr right.....ill be alrite tonite..."

then i got kinda mad because that song reminds me of boogie nights (great awesome flick)...and then i thought of the characters in that movie....then i told the boys to get the fugg out! these boys are scared of me....i want to keep it that way...

golf trips

i sit here...taking a break from the daily landlord beatdown...thinking about my next golf trip..

i know for sure, im going to sandhills, ne in july....just got the invite..and saundoggy is there!

ive read a bunch about sandhills....all i know is that it is directly in the middle of nebraska (never been to that state) and that it is very exclusive...there are many hills...and lots of sand....not only private exclusive...but exclusively the only thing to do there is golf! sounds like paradise to me...im sure there will be major stakes poker going on...ill have to play of course...and well...probably get taken to the woodshed....my mom always told me im the worlds worst liar...and i think my bluffing skills follow suit...better bring some cash....shit!

i know ill be going to the lake of the o this summer too....family trip, but saundoggy gets to escape and golf while wifey and friend and kids shop and do hoosier shit...

every year, about 30 to 40 of my sigma chi mates gather at a resort and golf and drink and drink and drink...dont know where we go this year...but i think im in this year...i missed last year and feel like shit about it...

every october, i go to dallas to visit chucky....when chuckys not busy whackin it, he makes time for me and we fuggen go off with gof gof gof...its a gof orgy...chucky is the funniest human alive and after a long weekend with him...my stomach hurts

every summer...sd comes up from htown...we hit all the great tracks..the best clubs.. here in the lou...sd had been doing this for many many moons...id say 16 out of the last 20 years...nothing beats his visit...he is a dear friend of mine and of my family and when he is here...i get the green light of all green lights....another golf orgy but this time i get to sleep in my bed...and poop in my poop room...thats a big time bonus!

if my niece goes to camp this summer, built and i will go down branson way and golf it up! built hates golf....as posted before...he'll play with me tho...im his exclusive golf buddy....dudes got mad skills with his swing..its a beautiful swing...yet there is very little yield....you see him swing and you think..."this guys good...wow...!!!"...then he hits it and you say to yourself...."how the fugg did he hit the ball so fuggen poorly....?" kind of like one of my bidness deals....lots o sizzle in the beginning....then it licks ball sack soon after...schwetty ball sack...

golf is great when you play great golf....and saundoggy is great! pat pat pat

my tard daughter

kid has it all....smarts...looks...common sense...athletic ability from the heavens...

always after her to practice....work on her game, hone her skills...whatever that game is...soccer, golf, squash, you name it....she could be a great one! it would be a bonus on her resume for college admission....if she wouldve practiced her golf for maybe 5 hours max..not a day...just 5 hours......shed be good enough to get a scholarship...... she has that much potential...but no...she HATES golf...! hell...she hates her coaches (every fuggen one of em), teachers, me, wifey....her brothers...etc etc etc!!!

her take on this encouragement....and i quote.."ill never be good because you said i wont be, so im not going to practice."

would someone please come take her away please....and return after paying for her remaining hs and college tuition...PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! im begging you!... actually...dont return her until you pay for her fuggen wedding!

mizzou here she comes! fine by me!

mudder fugger vacas are tough

im still fogged in from my extended weekend in dallas...every october, i go to dallas for a golf orgy with chuck and the boys...funny, every year i see these fellas i went to college with, and it never gets old...id like to think that we arent getting old , but thats a big fat lie...we laugh our collective asses off....i feel like i have abs of steel after a long wknd with chuck and the boys..

when out of my bubble, i cant sleep or shit...i can drink, pee and eat tho...we play lots of golf and we eat lots of food..and drink lots of makers mark...lots...while sitting on our asses on the golf cart or couch...

i hate the last day so much....i know im totally spent and the following week will be worthless....i know that the fun is over and the reality of life back home is approaching...the crap business...the lawsuits....the lawyers....the banks.....all the fun shit waits for me...

kids: first thing the little bastards want is a gift....beat it punks...you dont get shit....i went to dallas to have fun with my friends....and thats it...no gifts....what the fugg is goin on here? they lost interest in me quickly once i told them they were out of fuggen luck! nice eh?

i went to bed monday night at 730pm...last night 8pm....ive evacuated my bowel problems....send out a hazmat crew, me throne needs to be quarantined off.....DONT GO IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im still fogged in....its crazy....ill be back in order by dec 2....when VEGAS comes! im giddy! golf at bali thur/ fri...royal links sat....sports book all day sunday....gicfwigotybtysaapagtp! (gawd i cant fuggen wait im going off this year because this year ('10) sucked ass and people are going to pay!

anyone else counting the days....?

im guilty...as charged! i know...just about..the amount of days left for syds stay here at my house...

lets see...its september 13th...shes a sophomore....so lets say shes off to college mid august right...2013....1065 days left!

i go to sbux every am and run into many i know...many i havent seen in awhile....many ive met over the years....its clockwork...one lady always asked about me kids...i used to bring them in from time to time...now they dont deserve it so they stay home and i dont bring them shit! this lady asked me this am about syd....how old is she now?...i answered 15 ..16 in november...and went on to tell her that she has a little over 1000 days left at home! the lady looked at me like i was a demon er something...."well scott, you will regret feeling that way...you will miss her...enjoy these days, it goes by so fast!"

yeah right! shut up you old bag! i felt like saying...!

ok..well i cant wait until she can drive....how about that? im so sick of shuttling this thankless female everywhere...i pick her up almost everyday from golf practice....she fuggen hates golf....shes fuggen good at it.....but hates it! so i have to schlep over there and pick her up and hear how much she hates it....wtf is that? i told her this am to quit golf....im sick of her not liking it...and im sick of having to pick her up in east jesus from a sport she hates...!!!! how was golf? i hate golf! rinse repeat..... i cant wait until she can drive and im not nervous in the least of her driving...im all in...just go drive yourself! beat it!!!!

fugg it bros... kids are space invaders...they spend the shit out of your money and make huge piles of messes in your once nice custom home....thankless bastards! i guess thats their purpose because they are great at it....they constantly take our shit...without asking....they hardly ever thank you for shit...its expected that mom and dad just bend over and take it up the ass for everything...

do colleges give scholarships for mess making....shit disturbing...ingratefulness....thats the only way my kids will be able to go to a solid college...hello MIZZOU!

greatness awaits you if you want it...kids...wifey and i arent holding our breadth tho...we'd have died along time ago if we had...