i know what you want...

you ever get a call from someone and you know exactly what they want? ... bet the farm on what this person/friend/ family member is looking for...

cracks me up...

got a telephone call....yes...an actual telephone call...not a celly..not a text...not an email...but my home phone actually rang...this person calling asked to speak to scorr saunders....i know who this person is...see, back awhile ago, i gave some money to the republican party...i remember filling out the form and sending the check....sometimes, most of the time, my handwriting can get quite messy and i guess the dumbasses at the RNC thought the 2 t's in SCOTT were 2 r's....WTF is that about...?

HOw many mudder fuggen scorrs do you know? have you met a fella named scorr before..? so when the fellas from the repub party call and ask for SCORR, i laugh my fatass (i have back fat...first time ever...roll tide) OFF! i tell these fuggers to quit calling my ass....tell them my name isnt SCORR...and im about to go democrat if they keep calling me fuggen SCORR!

actually, scorr is a pretty cool name...everyone wants to scorr....you scorr a goal...you scorr a gal....you scorr some booze...you scorr some other bad stuff and such....scorring is cool, so i just might have to go with that one eh? HE SHOOTS HE SCORRS!

also, there are those old friendships that are always rekindled....but this rekindling is more of a one way street....this is the call you get from someone that is looking for a favor...looking for something that will inevitably put you in some kind of hole while the "old buddy" is burying you with shovels full of shit...thanks mate...

ring ring....

hello...

hey bro whats up... (fake talk for 30 minutes....then the hammer) ....i need some help here...

i immediately bend over and assume the assfugg position...

i wish bastids like this would just jump to it...forget the ass kissing bullshit...."wife and kids good...oh and how are your folks?" this person doesnt fuggen care, so why bother...?

what the fugg do you want dude? just say it...

these are those friends we ALL have....you kind of forget what they look like because you havent seen them in years...you really dont care that you havent seen them in years too...things were cool back in the day, but weve all moved on....

the repubs called me about 30 minutes ago...."is Scorr there?"...LMFAO!...guess they want cash....i always offer them advice for free, but i guess thats not good enough...

scorr one for the good guys

nf fuggen L draft...

tuned in last night....the entire show...first rounders picked...and well...my once mighty oakland raiders sat that one out apparently...me thinks al fuggen dumbass davis probably traded out of his first round pick this year ....most likely, the raiders got some bum whos now smoking crack in between trash collection shifts...oh and the fella probably ran a 4.2 40....

actually the pats got the raids first round pick and spent it on some tall lanky lineman outa colorado.....solder....his name is solder...hello solder...see you in between trash collection shifts...

i see the raids do have a pick in the second round...im anxiously awaiting al "the grim reaper's" pick..

the raids have blown it so badly on draft day up until about 3 drafts ago....they have had strong picks...ceptin jamarcus" syrup (codeine)" russell....that fat ass had one good game in college and al davis picked him first...first in the entire draft...this guy had a gun...but too bad he needs a gun now to fend off thugs while in between his trash collection shifts....this jruss dude stole about 30 million from the once mighty oakland raiders...he got so fat after being drafted! ...how fat was he?.....im not going to answer because i dont think those jokes are very funny...im so fat now, this kind of humor hurts my feelings...

espn and mel kiper are, once again, just about wrong every single pick....these idiots look like complete fools when these teams make picks that they didnt predict....uhhh...ummm...

just about every one of the once mighty oakland raider picks get a chuckle from these espn fellas...then they have to scramble to get footage of the raider picks...the words "reach" "holy shit" and "convicted felon" spew out these pundits pie holes on every raider selection...

happy draft weekend fellas! and gals...!

try your best...do your best...

im guilty of saying these things to others...myself...wifey...kids..

wtf does this mean tho? we get notes from kids skewl from time to time....most very good...some not so...today for instance....

teacher tells me/us that one of me chillin isnt doing so well in science....actually not so good at all...i tell my kids that all they need to do is try their best...do their best, and thats all we can ask...and when they try their best and do their best, good things happen...

well this thinking gives them an out...and gives us an argument...

"i got a D but i tried my best...just as you ask of me"

bullshit!

these kids are too smart to make poor grades...and in todays overly competitive marketplace and schools under the gun so much that grade fabrication is the norm..., getting a D is pretty much inexcusable...

so what does one say?

i say FUGGET!.... sprinkling grades like this from time to time will most definitely throw them out of the "expensive college" game! wooooo fuggggen hoooooo!

same goes for sports...when i play...i never, ever feel like i gave it my all....because i didnt...and i never have! anyone who tells you that they gave it their best....tried their best...gave it their all is so full of shit their eyes are of a brown , speckled corn hue...(thats gross)

business too....i did my best...rrrrrriiiiight....no such thing...there is no best of anything..best of anyone...best effort...best try...it flat out doesnt exist.....

i was convinced of this when i found out that yoda couldnt beat palpatine....when obi wan left vader to die without slicing him dead...fuggen loser....finish the job man! he couldve saved millions....

"do or do not...there is no try"

hello mizzou!

great weather eh?

its storming....again...and again...this spring....fuggen too wet..hey at least we dont have to load up the yak to go yakin...we do that in our side and front yard...we have a class 3 rapid when the rain gets a goin...seriously!

last winter....too cold and snowy....and icy..

betcha this summer is hot/humid=miserable...

its ok, we always have Fall to fall on....our falls kick ass...unless it is cold and rainy...and you actually look forward to daylight savings time ending...so at least youre miserable and depressed in the dark...

our city leads the world in murders....our county/my county is full of snobs and fags...not the homo fags....just fags...guys named tristan and jeremy...fags that name their vacuums tristan...

no one in my hood really knows each other...and thats kind of a great thing....we all do our own thing....id be afraid of getting arrested if my neighbors got to know me too well....

as you can tell by now, nothing really funny or stupid has happened to me as of late...

it is wifeys bday week, so im aboooot to go to mall and get her sumtin...id heard that nordstrom is selling this perfume that is assured to make your gal a horn dog....i ordered a case of it....with my luck, this will backfire....and wifey will leave me for fat mike...my carwash worker tard...

4 man scrambles suck!

playing in one today....noon gunner...pissed because i vowed not to play in one of these this year....they fugg your game up so much...too long... so gay...

this one will be horrible...norwood hills cc...known to pack em in...probably 3 groups per hole...6 hours is norm...

the worst is when they have the pinnacle long hitter fags on a selected tee box...this d bag usually goes into a spiel about how great he is and how many competitions he has won over the last 10 years...he hits 5 balls and every fuggen one of em is way out of bounds...not even in play...oh yeah, you have to pay for his services too....thanks chief, pal, guy....after his 5th ball travels off the entire golf course grounds, he then informs that you get to place your ball 150 yards from the hole... next!

then the chatter and banter with the 2 fellas in your group whom you dont know and dont give a shit to know any better....6 hours of being stuck with a total d bag....one of the guys will be cool because thats how it usually works out statistically...

so, my buddy who invited me is cool....theres me (totally cool)...there will be a dousche (how do you spell this word anyway???) bag....and there will be one that is tolerable...im sure ill be the d bag to those other 2 fellas....thats usually how it works ...after round...we will tell each other how much fun we had and what great times we had, while you/they tell yourself/themselves how it sucked so bad...

i predict that we will make that one putt that will keep us out of first place in the second cut....so we will be last place in the A division....always werks out that way too...

there goes my game...in flames...scrambles suck!

bunny hunt

tomorrow is bunny day...i enjoy bunnies...ski bunnies...playboy bunnies...bunny is a great word...bun is in bunny...i love buns..im an ass man....totally....love that body part...

hotdogs and brats are no good without a bun...

manana, while many are on their easter egg hunts....wifey and i are goin in deep...storage room clean out...this outa be great...im kind of stoked about it really...i know we will find shit that has been missing for years...some cool...most will be of the "why the fugg did we buy this?" category.......did a little recon today and found some valuable coins..found some old pics of the kids...wifey...and yours truly...man i was a good looking lad back in the day....now im hideous..look away!

nooo dooooot we will encounter some creepy crawlies...thats when wifey will scream and demand instant action from me...kill squad...move on....i hate bugs...worthless critters...i freak out when they crawl on me...canoe trips are the worst...im always the one that gets that nasty worm nest in my face....that is one nasty ass experience...instead of water boarding terrorist for info, the cia should consider rubbing one of these nasty worm nests in their fuggen faces...i would give up my mom with the mere threat of a worm nest rubbing....

.wifey...tho...is the queen of scream when it comes to bugs....its quite entertaining...


i love throwing shit out....wifey enjoys holding on for dear life...

worm nests suck!!!!

happy fuggen easter!

its bad parenting friday...tips from the dawg...

weather...and crap

it flat out amazes me how engrossed we are with the weather....uncanny...its always on every ones mind...it defines our days...our moods....its the worlds oldest ice breaker..."great weather eh?"

"cant beat this weather eh?"

the other day...and i mean DAY...our local nbc affiliate broad casted a spring time thunderstorm from 4pm to 10 pm...6 hours of reporting...3 tornadoes spawned from this system, but youd think the end of days was here...these retard news guys were everywhere...reporting on the storms progress...

"its raining here in ofallon"

" getting quite cloudy here in wentzville"

"pea size hail in quincy"

this stupid ass fella parked his tv van in a self serve car wash bay....broad casted rain falling to the ground from the "safety of this self serve car wash bay."...like we fuggen care if youre safe...personally, id like to see this guy get pelted by softball sized hail....that would be a laugher...id tune into that!

this weather thing must make for huge ratings...peeps must dig this... the damage...the destruction....the sobbing victims of mother natures wrath...i tell you...local news is the BASE CAMP for our societies downfall....these d bags are fuggen retards...all of em!

TRISTAN my vac...

about an hour ago, the ups truck just delivered my new baby....been waiting too long for it...counting the days...

prob thinking: a new tv, stereo, custom kitchen deliveryaaaaayyyyyayyy (dire straights...hmm), could i be a double boiler? ( for you music man fans...wells fargo wagon song...? any one? ok, my mom made me go to the muny opera...ok...sorry..oh brother..)

well...its my new fuggen awesome vacuum cleaner! stoked...my old vac sucked...well, no it didnt suck thats why it SUCKED!...down with the wind tunnel piece of shit...up with me DYSON DC 33!

this thing is so simple in design, yet so genius...this isnt that ball dyson....that looks like its a chore just to keep that damn thing erect..hahahaha

i do all the vacuuming around here..and that is by design...i enjoy vacuuming..its like therapy for me...this baby is mine...i told everyone not to touch it....got no arguments there...shocker!

and since it sucks...and looks kinda gay....im calling him TRISTAN!

whats with these names?

i just read my boys lacrosse roster...these kids have some dorky names...i wont mention them because they are middle skewlers...and i dont feel like taking heat if one of those whacked parents find out...

i always hated charles emerson winchester the 3rd...on MASH....he was a fuggen d bag! with a name like that....of course he was/is...

go with "Chuck" mate....youll have more friends...

gay names like jeremy and tristan....why do this to your kid? ...i know i know....but brad pitts character in legends of the fall was "tristan".....thats right and he is gay...and had no friends...

i know kids that the first name is their moms maiden name...i would be BLUE SAUNDERS...no thanks...altho that would describe my fuggen awesome sexy blue eyes....but i would be gay and have no friends...

Hoosiers are the second worst at naming their kids.....go out and watch a girls soccer team play... listen to the all mighty, fat as hell, soccer mom give their kid a shout out....and laugh at their name...poor gal...has to be called faylene..or amberly....or HARMONY...barf!

im not going to point out the worst....hint:::: shannequafanellisa ...and there you have it...

first names are so very important...our very own president changed his name from barry soetero...to barrak Hussein obama....powerful name eh? ... dont know any fellas named barry...jerry...or gary for that matter, that impress me any...but when BHO tells me what to do, i listen....he is all powerful!

i love porn star names....they say it all while doing it all...

the fellas get the great names...gals, not so much...they were named by fat hoosier soccer moms apparently...

seymore butts.... or adam glasser

dale debone...or dale rutter...this chp couldve used rutter...FULL RUTTER..er something like that...

ben dover....or simon honey (he couldve used his real name eh?)

jack hammer...or troy mainwaring..i call our dacshund the jackhammer....poor lily...lily looks back as if to say..."hey...do i know you?"

arnold schwartenpecker.. or schmuel berkowitz...wtf is a schmuel??? can u imagine..."SCHMUEL...TAKE OUT THE GAAAAHBAGE!"..."AH MAHM...kAH MAHN!"

LONG DONG SILVER...or daniel mead...this guy brother was rich and famous...his middle name was "john"....very successful fast food bidness....

if you want a good porn name...click on this link...

http://friendsite.com/users/widgets/pornstarname/

blue blood names crack me up the most...just a gander thru me kiddos skewl buzz book is all you need for a good laugh! poor rich bastids!

nail salon drama

so the networks cancelled "all my children" a great soap....i grew up with the crazy people that lived in Pine Valley....erica kane...slut bitch...phoebe TYLER the queen bitch...rich crazy bitch...she owned PV.. ruth and joe martin.....their crazy mean son TAD martin...tad was in love with jenny...but jennys jet ski was booby trapped by a jealous fella....and blew up..jenny died and tad was never the same...

that was the show in the 70's..and 80s ...of course other crazy ass people were introduced to the show....they all slept with each other...awesome....i remember my mom blocking the tv set during the bedroom scenes....id always snicker and ask my mom why she is blocking my view....hell...i was interested...i was into soap porn...i did want to be a playboy photographer....still do!

well..this digression has a purpose....these fuggen nail salon people are driving my absolutely batty....we have 2 salons....in two separate props....id already explained the one in a previous blog...now the other salon family wants to sell and they are bringing in all sorts to buy their store...ive met friends....family....the entire family tree....i still dont know whom im meeting....i have to be very careful....when talking to the seller ( i thot the fella was the buyer) i kind of said bad things about the SELLER... the seller is an ass...he yells at me...and wifey too...he scares me) ....i got a weird look...and quickly covered my tracks....i dont have a clue who these people are.....they bring in different operators almost monthly...

we sued one of these salons several months ago...when the judge read the defendants of the case, the fugger judge cracked up...these names are funny sounding...long duck dong...we fang yow...we fuggem young...wo flung po...my attorney was laughing his ass off.....the plaintiffs werent there of course...they owed me money...and they didnt want to pay me that day....

you should see the financial statements from these prospective buyers...they list nothing...but they all tell me they have lots of cash....and they do...i bet...pillow cash isnt check able...

my phone rings and i cant understand...seriously...last week i delt with dong vo...the fellas name is dong vo for crying out loud!!!!...im talking to him and others around me laugh...."dong...dong!..i cant understand what you are saying...dong!" ...eavesdroppers cant wait until the next call....i would laugh my ass off too...

soap opera continues today....and until this ends, ill have some great material....stay tuned!

college fair...kill me please...

someone...so wifey can get my term insurance claim....so my kids can go to college!

syd went to the college fair the other night...she brought home the game day "program."

this program highlights the attending colleges... blurbs on how great they are....and the fuggen cost to send your little brat to their great college..

also lists the test scores they are looking for...this totally sucks for my kids....they are smart, no doubt, but cfb....these scores they are looking for are way out of my shit for brains league...hell, when i was taking my sat, all i could think about was getting out of there as fast as possible...those questions were confusing to me...to be fair, all i had to do was sign my name and answer some of the questions correctly....i had a full ride...beat it...im out of there!

my kids are going to have to try....study...do well...if they want to go to a solid skewl....too bad!

syd wants to go to smu...smu rulz..the bubble...50 k

she also likes villanova...it has a pretty quad area...grass and fountains....50 k

vandy....58 k

fugg that shit!

looking over this game day program, its impossible not to notice these obscure , small colleges listed....:::::::

union college...in ny state...52 k

lawrence u... in wisconsin..45k

denison...in ohio..48 k

bard college (wtf!!!?)...in ny...53k

case western reserve u....in fuggen cleveland...53k

eckerd college...in fla...44k

grinnell college...in iowa...the worst state in the universe...47k

oberlin college...in ohio...54k

whittier college...in cali...48k

told syd to start golfing, because thats a good way to get some assistance...kid can hit the ball...she has mad skills...but he doesnt care...hello MIZZOU!

college is a waste of money....unless you want to work for the man, there is no sense in going really...its a great time tho...4 year vaca with friends you will never lose touch with for your lifetime...

party on! it really never stopped...

me new favorite place on earth...

hmmmm.....

some love the country...

some love the grand canyon...

some love the beach....

me...i love GOLFSMITH!

its super cool...been there just about every day since they opened up...first store in stl...

i just go and look...hit some balls..they have the best indoor range...huge computerized monitors...state of the art.....putt around their huge , sweet, beautiful green....i bought a mizuno hat...got a couple of sticks regripped...

i want to vacation at golfsmith...

fuggen heaven!!!!

squash club champs start today...

wahhhh...im out...ill be watching from afar...well not so afar...ill be several feet away....

im very sad about not being able to compete...all my buddies will be battling...

ill go and cheer on wifey...shell smoke her first opponent...

i can get her water in between games...

maybe a towel...

i will always have memories of my big victory over cigar guy!

you wouldnt believe what i saw this am...

got behind a big yellow bus...long bus...not the short version.....the short one is in order for the parent that i saw tho...

its raining..as if that mattered....and as usual...parents suv's were all lined at the bus stop...waiting for big yeller...

bus stops...kids get out of suv...run to bus...it is raining so at least it sped things up..usually these fat kids saunter up....waddle up...take their fuggen time....

another stop...same fuggen thing...

then....the one stop that beats ALL!...this one stop epitomizes everything that is wrong in our werld...one suv at this stop...a white (out of our) range rover sport...is parked about 10 yards from the street corner...the bus stops...and instead of jr getting out and running to big yeller....the fuggen rover pulls up to bus door...inches away from bus door...when jr gets out and enters ...the kid probably had to walk 2 ft total...out of car...2 side steps...and off to skewl you go...

i was fuggen crying...this was the ultimate in curb service...

can u imagine the life this fuggen kid must live? i feel sorry for these little fuggers...retard parents!!!!

deadliest catch

other than wifey, alaskan crab fishing is indeed the deadliest catch...

i love this show...these fellas are hardened mo fo's! crab fishing in the bearing sea is by far the most dangerous job ever known to man..."hangin" with my college mates was numero 2...i should be dead...i digress...

these bastids work under the most adverse conditions you wouldnt even want to imagine...it looks like it totally sucks ass from my couch ....imagine being there...i cant!

ice, cold, wind, 40 foot seas...i get sea sick in my jacuzzi...

after every episode, i want to join a crew....after every episode of alaska gold rush, i want to join a crew...after every episode of car auctions, i want to buy a rebuilt muscle car...

i wouldnt last 6 seconds on a boat...i would probably last 2 days mining gold....after my 6 seconds on a fishing boat, id cry and want my mommys bosom.

wonder what a show on me would be called....i have some ideas

"pussy!"

"wimps"

"dork!"

"wierd fella"

"deadliest fart"

"town & country squash fag"

"im golfing, youre catching my crab im going to eat tomorrow"

"bitch, complain, makers, and laugh at other people"

"burb pickup drivin asshole"

ima girl

stepped on the scale yesterday....i havent weighed meself since last fall...when i was 225...and feeling great...

it was a tough winter....cold..snowy...miserable....lots of inside time...avoiding the inevitable...the scale..the truth teller..

and well...

holy fuggen gawd fugg! ima fatass...!!! 2 fuggen 40 fuggen 7!!!! im the size of an NFL linebacker...well...not really...those fellas are sculpted Adonises...i look more like a PEAR...flaps hanging over my waist..inner thighs rubbing together...man tits flobbin around...

im seriously pissed..

lost a whole bunch of weight in a biggest loser deal with me college mates..i need an edge..i need a competition for just about everything i do...if i dont have it, im a lazy ass fat fuggen loser boy...or girl

i say girl because...well...i handle this kind of shit like a teenage girl would...im always asking wifey if im fat...she doesnt answer me anymore because shes the smart one...and apparently, the male in our relationship...and like a girl, im starving myself in order to get me back into playing weight...that behavior leads to me being a total asshole...i hate being hungry..."stay away from dad"

with my back being all tender and girly....i cant work out...i cant play much squash anymore...

so i answer this dilemma with a large pizza and chip n dip...and ice cream...and chocolate...im fuggen fat guy in a small coat...im chris farley gap girl...LAY OFF IM STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

right now..i feel me girth being pulled by the ole gravity bomb...i feel me tits all saggy and very unperky...guess i could go lift weights and tighten up the boys...think i will start....next week...

i want write in my diary and cry while eating ice cream....i feel like tuning into oprah...im reading US weekly....and glam mag...i feel like buying a purse...i want a bikini wax...tan spa...mani..pedi..

i need help fellas...i need manning up...

ima mess....

car shows

for some reason, im addicted to car shows...car tv shows that is...im tuned in 24/7 on the HD theater channel....

appraise my car

chasing classic cars

mecham auction

desert car kings

wheeler dealers

whats my car worth?

wrecks to riches

west coast customs

i have never been a "car" guy....could care less about what i drove...knew nothing about engines...didnt care really as long as i was able to drive....and drive i did...

drove a '66 international harvester SCOUT...3 speed....max 55 mph...4 cylinders of raw power...4 wd...firetruck red...white top..

.this baby was solid metal..the hood weighed a ton... friends called him "roger"...some called him "the old ladies shoe"...kind of looked like a boot an old crusty lady would wear....it looked like a military vehicle..according to me....thats where "roger" came from..."roger that!" it was boxy..

when the snow fell and i needed 4 wheel drive...i had to go outside and turn the hubs with a wrench....these hubs were old and rusty...and turning them was a chore....this thing was a pos....but it was a cool...

take the hard top off during the summer....doors came off too....it was tough work taking the top and doors off...all fuggen day.....old skewl cool...fuggen beeeeeeaaaaauuuuutiful....

i want one..id love to have a reconditioned scout...maybe one day..

these shows are awesome...these fellas are absolutely awesome at cars..building...finding...appraising...repairing...everything CARS! muscle cars seem to be the name of the game these days....SS's are the shit..every single show seems to feature the SS..chevelle..chevelle ..chevelle...

whatever....ill take me scout over an ss any day! fuggen a right!

back out....again!

one week of blowing chow and pissin fecal matter....one week of the worst cold ever to be had by any human on earth for the last 5 billion years....now..

back went out..

the month of april is hells month....i believe something or someone is trying to tell me something...no one deserves this shit...

moving garden dirt did me in....shovel in hand....turning up soil...love this....cutting out weeds....and .."oh fugg!" its probably the worst pain one can ever experience.....the shooting synapses of pain down both legs....the horror...the horror...

my back is so messed up...my surgeon told me to find someone else..this fella was awesome....but got tired of me i guess...i believe he knows what needs to be done but doesnt want to do it...

my general doctor referred me to a pain doctor....this fellow was creepy...this fellow stuck a long ass tube type needle in my lower back and shot a bunch of shit in there....this shit is supposed to "block" the nerves....well...like everything good, it lasted about 2 weeks....ive had this procedure multiple times with this fella...about 2k per procedure...not bad compared to the 5k this indian (dot head..not injun) charged me last year...

whats up with thes pain management fellas...they are all creepy....and many of them are indians...from india...pain is their game i guess...creeps...every fuggen one of em...

well...my pain dude told me yesterday.....he gives up and gave me the names of 2 surgeons...fugg that...already done dat....my first cutting was very successful....me thinks if i go at it again...im going to be wheelchair bound and have the "patch eyed" attorney working for me...whats up with the eye patch...i think every city has a "pirate" attorney that will sue the shit out of docs for malpractice!

it just hit me that doctors suck! not my regular dr tho ....he rules! but these pain guys suck! they are so full of shit...they way way way overcharge for the procedures they conduct...im laying on my back...the fuggers poke a fuggen needle in your body....u go back to work while they invoice you 2k!

or 5k...stupid! i go back to him because my back is out and he basically tells me to haul ass...call one of his fellas...pass me around like a cheap whore...wonder how much the pain guy makes on a referral to a cutter..? no dooot there is a big business here..

my insurance has skyrocketed due to me fragile ness...feelin bad about the burden...

im finished...no more "specialist" im goin old skewl...im going to take the pain and save the cash...

back to the pool...oh and "walking"... im fuggen 45 and walking will be my form of cardio exercise...ill be joining the 80+ year old mall walkers...wtf is that all about....? mall walkers...i fuggen laugh my ass off when i see these people....in their walking shoes...and khaki jackets....these people are serious and youd better yield to them...

oh me back!

back went out yesterday...gotta do yard work...every fuggen time i do yard work...or any lifting....it goes out...

now im all crabby and wifey and kids hate me yet again....oh well...

im getting ez er to hate as time ticks on...kind of priding myself on enemies made....friends lost...always said that i have too many friends....culling time...

i ask very little...just give me a good back and a tee time....and some makers

sleep overs...fuggen a you retards!

bubs invited 4 fuggen friends over tonight...sleepover...it doesnt start until i fuggen pick the little bastards up from at party at fuggen 11pm tonite...

i fuggen got in my boys grill...i told them last time ...NEVER AGAIN! and what do these little fuggen retards do....moms callin me all night asking if its true....that gives one a good felling eh?

i love the "are you sure" call.....that means their little angel is either a pyro or a bed wetter....a thief or a vandal....

my gawd! im now counting the days until all my kids vamoose.. beat it! college....please come...quickly!

i mean this too....no joke...my kids are mentally challenged...all of em...perhaps i can get a govt subsidy....nooooo dooot id qualify!

feckin irish whiskey

sippin feckin! feckin irish whiskey...shit the fuggen green lads cant make whiskey for shit.....this stuff sucks!

out of makers mark...guess i could go out and get some....but im on my ass flipping channels between masters reruns (gof channel) and masters rerun (espn)

its fuggen friday night....and this is what it all comes down to....i sit and type...and sip....and flip chans...LOSING!

i took my company magnet off my truck tailgate today....wanna know why?...

on the way to drop the bubbas and their friend off to another friends house....this friend (in my truck) notices that this hottie jogger was ...indeed..their substitute teacher...guess what this young lad yelled out the window of my truck?

"are you the hot substitute teacher?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

my word....heavens to betsy....what does one do? i was driving slow too...in a school zone....

actually...i was kinda bummed out that one of my boys didnt yell that out....Why does it take some other dudes son to do what i wouldve done?

my company magnet has my celly number on it...im waiting for a call soon....tick tock tick tock...

if this gal was indeed their substitute, full time employment is a necessity!

zoinks....!

soak, wipe, clean...DORK!

its masters week and well....its thursday pm so the MASTERS has begun....i enjoy this like no other time of the year....cepting for jim nantz....

every thursday masters night, i grab my sack and stick(s) and balls and give them a thorough cleaning...soak....wipe...clean...

its amazing the shit i find in me golf sack....found two free foursome vouchers that expired 2 years ago...zoinks...old gum is the worst..2 year old cliff bar...still feels soft...so i keep it in there....old gum is fuggen gross....so is a crusty, smelly pair o socks..wtf are those doin in there...? no clue...i just called over a bubba and stuck em in under his nose...ahhhh fatherhood...

i go thru my sack with keen due diligence....make sure i have all me tees, ball marks, balls, golf buddy (gps) needs too be fully charged...Bushnell range finder (fuggen kickass piece of titty quip)..that bad boy shoots a laser to its target....gives me the perfect yardage so i can fugg up knowing how much i fugged my shot up...range finder says 175 to the pin...on the nuts...and how will that help my fat ass? like i can really dial it down that precisely....no fuggen chance...but its kickass...and i use it..because i can and want to....

my irons are so fuggen sweet... got two sets of beauties because i wanted them....mizuno mp58s and mp 53s...now i have more drama in my life...which fuggen set o beauties do i use? it shouldnt be like this...but it is...cuz im a fuggen rehtard mess....

while trekking downstairs to get me lappy...i saw me ole callaway tuttle putter...all alone in the corner...it hasnt been in me sack for 4 putters ago..so what do i do....i stick my ole putter in me sack...shaft and all...

playing tomorrow...i play every masters friday....ok...i play every friday i can...do i use tuttle or the ghost...i play around with my putter way too much...

while doing this, i watch the masters replay....

MASTERS!

by the power of grey skull....!!!! the MASTERS IS ABOOOOT TO BEGIN...

i giddy this time o year.....the masters is my door to spring/summer.....when that gay piano music plays along with that quite gay guitar pluck a plucks...and very gay jim nantz tells all how majestic augusta national is.....i know that the weather has turned and its time to fuggen play some gofgofgof!!!

about mudder fugge tyme!

masters sunday is the ultimate best....im glued too the set all day and night...everything about it gives me a chub...except for when nantz is on....gawd he bothers the holy shit out of me....his little quips and soliloquies blow stank ass...." a win for the family!" nantz fuggen said after phil mantits knocks in bird on 18...." a win for the century!" er sumptin like that...after woods won his first major...

this fellow nantz is every where..cbs hoops, cbs footy....cbs everything.....hes a like able guy maybe...hangs out with some cool peeps...fred couples is sposed to be his friend...but shit, the guy just bothers the crap out of me....

fuggen a im stoked...masters!! greyskull....power...battle cat!

its all about winning...

wifey and i have a very solid understanding that everything we do is a competition....no shit...its quite funny....i wouldnt have it any other way as it keeps you on your fat toes...

our competition never gets any chippier than when i comes to SICKNESS....its funny cuz im just as bad..or worse...than wifey...when im sick, everything/everyone must know....and hear...and feel the pain...this only makes wifey that much more determined to "one up" me in every facet of this weird game we play....i one up too...

me:

"my fuggen nose just blew out gobs of schnott ( i enjoy attaching the "sch" and extra "t" on snot) and bloody crap!"

wifey:

"well my fuggen nose just blew out gobs of snot...and bloody crap....and urine and fecal matter!"

after getting well...we always reflect on our sickness...its funny as shit..."i was way sicker than you!" "oh yeah....no fuggen way...remember it was i that was puking up both lungs while you just puked up one lung...remember..? right?!!!"

we are both unyielding....never has one of us admitted to the other having it worse...our arguments are all world stupid...yet necessary!

its ez to figure out why....we were both the babes in our respective fams...and that spells trubs....we will remain babies forever...i refuse to give up...no doubt that im sicker this time...and most times...no ifs and or butts abooot it...

meathead and archie went at it....both were sick one episode and the actions that followed are real world to this family...

last night i asked my thread what to do about my cough...this cough is the worlds worst and will be way worser than wifeys....shell get it tomorrow...i was told to bring whiskey/water and honey to a warm temp...and drink it....i didnt pay too much attention to the steps involved and boiled the makers mark (no water and honey) into a flame thrower....i kind of panicked....didnt know what to do so i poured the flaming liquid into the sink and the fire kinda spread....so i turned the water on and well....it kinda extinguished after spreading even more....threw a dish cloth on things and that ended my inferno....

i was supposed to mix it all up then bring to a warm temp....doh!

still sick

coughing so hard im about to puke...im considering hiring a hit man on meself....end it already! perhaps its the meds im taking...or not taking...

sick and under family quarantine

wtf? every fuggen time i get sick, i have to schlep me shit (pillow and quilt) out of MY bedroom and sleep elsewhere...laugh all you want about my pillow and quilt....they both equally rule...

pillow: tempurpedic work of art...i take it everywhere i go ...road trips only....id take it on the plane too but wifey wouldnt let me...most likely...

quilt: my quilt is my man blanky....yes i said it....i love this quilt...wifey got it a target....target rulz...this thing is so soft...i sleep with it exclusively...no sheets...i hate sheets....i dont care if they are 5 billion thread...cover sheets suck...i do like the fitted sheet tho....gotta have that.. noooo dooooot....i kick off everything...every night...and pull into my quilt...probably suck my fuggen thumb too....so what??? no tuck....tucked anything definitely blows ass!

so, im sick...one week of stomach issues....DONT GO IN THERE... i was puking and squirtin....magical

now i have the werlds worst head cold...i cant fuggen hear shit as my ears are clogged...my frontal lobe feels like a big ass white head that is volcanoing and ready to blow...the pressure is insurmountable... i feel like absolute shit...it was a nice day out today...so i tried to golf....not the best decision ive made...bugged out after 9....friends i played with did want me around anyway.....i was a mess.....now i feel worse...thought i could work this devil out of my head...all i did was piss Lucifer off...as he is blending me brain into oblivion...

im in quarantine....i have moved out of the bedroom....once again....i dont get to sleep in my bed...last night i tried the couch......from 12 midnight to 8am, i watched the following:

smithsonian channel...greatness

12 to 1.....did hitler escape germany

1 to 2......fooling hitler...show on how the brits fooled hitler into thinking we were invading calise (sp)

2 to 3.....sinking hitlers biggest SHIP... didnt quite understand that one

3 to 5....2 hours of chasing classic cars... ccc baby

5 to 6...golf channel....dykes on spikes...lpga golf

6 to 8....senior golf...

OD'ing on NYQUIL didnt even work....

i see the same for this night....this miserable night in front of me...why does one sickness get 100 times worse at night? never fuggen fails...clock strikes 10 and everything goes to complete hell...its like your baby...the pos begins crying at 2am for fuggen hours... at 2 pm, the thing is all happy and even smiles when it shits itself.....but NADA...in the wee hours...all hell breaks out

my own daughter told me to go downstairs...she hates me....everyone does...

so now i have quilty and pillow and im watching the fuggen final 4 on 106 inches of HD HEAVEN... later